You Are All Mutants, And I Am The Mutant Magnet

Search Term Bingo

STB, baby. Search Term Bingo. It’s just too good to pass up. I gaze over the delectable offerings (and by “delectable,” I mean, smells faintly of old lube and, unusually, moldering Indian food); how can I resist?

So, ready to play? Here goes.

give ma a book give me something to rwead

Man, before we get you something to read, howzabout we teach you to write? Turns out you’re the child they left behind. Sorry!

is chuck wendig transgender?

Oof. Cutting right to the quick, aren’t you? This is fascinating, because plainly someone thinks I’m not a dude. Hey, whatever works for you. I can be anything. I can be a unicorn. I can be a Transformer. I can be an Asian lady in a giraffe costume, or a black dude in a steampunk corset. Let your imagination run wild. Let me be the focal points of your sexiest dreams. (Or, if you’d prefer: nightmares.)

motocross man dry humps balloon animals

This is great, because it’s so specific, I can just picture it:

Guy’s in front of his computer, and he’s got a couple other dudes gathered ’round, or maybe his wife, or if she’s really hip, his grandmother. And he’s like, “Dude, you gotta see this fuckin’ shit, Grandma. It’s like? This guy? And he’s a whatchacallit, a motocross man? And he… he dry humps a bunch of fuckin’ balloon animals.” And Grandma is like, “Bitch, why didn’t you save the link? Why didn’t you put that shit in your history like someone who isn’t a moose-jawed muffinhead?” And he’s like, “I’ll find it, I’ll find it! Shut up, Grandma!” Search terms, Google, and he gets here.

And here he finds naught but sweet disappointment.

That’s when Grandma spits in his hair and curses his birth.

messiah baby goat

And here I thought Jesus was the Lamb. Guess not. Must be one of those Aramaic to Greek translation issues, like the camel through the eye of the needle nonsense was supposed to be a rope through the eye of a needle. No problem, makes sense. Really, when you look at it, Jesus was more goat-like anyway. The beard, the mane, the fact he ate tin cans. It’s all coming together now. The Gospel of the Wendigo. Look for it.

ghost versus

Ghost versus what? You can’t leave me hanging like that.

Ghost versus monkey?

Ghost versus Frankenstein?

Ghost versus tractor? Serial rapist? The credit card industry? Mario Kart? What?

how to make your anus feel airy

I hire a little Vietnamese woman, and give her a fan.

Nice work, Tranh. Nice work.

photo of a sexy goat

You people and “goats.” Christ on a cracker. But fine. Fine!

One sexy goat, coming right up.

classifications of ass jiggling

Currently, our scientists have discovered four classifications of ass jiggling. At present, they have found:

1.) The Wiggle

2.) The Wobble

3.) The Schmibble

and 4.) The Bill-Cosby-Holding-The-Plate-Of-J-E-L-L-O

But they do expect to discover a fifth and perhaps even sixth classification of ass jiggling by the year 2021. These scientists are hard at work. They bailed on cancer to do this work, so quit your crying.

Oh. And enjoy chemo.

whin i was litle my dad gave me a chuck

Well, whin I was litle my dad gave me a beating. Somebody should’ve given you one, too, I think. Oh, settle down, I’m just jerkin’ your ripcord. I’m glad that your father gave you a chuck. I assume, by the way, that “chuck” is code for “handjob.” I know this to be true because Chuck is just my nickname. My given name at birth was Handjob Wendig. Middle name, “The Pylon.”

tempting salty dick

This is a very popular dessert in England, in case you didn’t know. It’s bread pudding topped with raisins, walnuts, and Beefeater semen. A tempting treat!

how a dartboard is made into a movie

Hollywood is really scraping the bottom of the barrel these days. I know that they’re making a Monopoly movie, and that in and of itself is sort of sad. But how the hell do you make a movie out of a dartboard? I guess if you get George Clooney and Brad Pitt, it could be pretty good. But what’s next? Lawn Darts: The Motion Picture? Water Wiggle II: Revenge Of The Schmibble?

eczema facebook tim burton

Psoriasis Myspace Johnny Depp! Did I win? Am I in the club?

should you avoid pushing when you poop?

Depends. What are you trying to push? Like, a boulder? Yeah, don’t push a boulder. That’s too heavy. On the toilet, you’re sitting too low. You can’t get leverage. Or torque. Or gravity. Or some other term from a physical sciences class. Pushing a boulder whilst on the poopatorium is positively Sisyphean.

Now, you can push lesser objects: a hamburger, a cat, a small child. That’s okay. But anything larger, I really can’t recommend that.

And by the way, you sonsabitches better respect me. I’m the only guy — the only guy — you’ve ever met who used “poopatorium” and “Sisyphean” in a single sentence.

The day I receive “Sisyphean Poopatorium” as a search term is a day I buy myself a candy bar.

are dirty headphones harmful

Harmful? Fuck yes. That’s how you get hantavirus.

Well, that and eating mouse poo.

ooops i just ate some people

At least it wasn’t mouse poo! You’re clean.

hidden cam my sister pooping

It’s all “goats” and “poop” with you fuckers. Nothing surprises me anymore. If I get a search term, “I want to take goat poop and put it back up into the goat and then masturbate,” I would not be at all shocked. I’d just nod, then I’d cluck my tongue and say, “Pshh. Internet, you’re so silly!”

And then funny music, and end credits.

Anyway. Uhhh, you want a hidden cam feed of your sister pooping?

I don’t have that.

I cannot get it for you.

I don’t know why you’d ask me.

And frankly, that’s very specific, and very, very weird

… but, for like, five bucks, I know a guy.

want to fuck a guy with a goatee

Good to have high standards. Too bad I ascended the Goatee Rank and now bear the full beard upon my pallid cheeks. Though, I guess any beard technically contains one or several goatees. Call me. We’ll figure it out. Don’t tell my wife. My wife can’t read this, right?

what if i have been pooping every half an hour after anal sex

For how many half-hours are we talking? Like, a couple? That’s okay. But if we’re talking, mmmm, more than eight half-hour increments, then you might want to see a doctor. Or at least show a neighbor and get that business on YouTube. You’d probably make a mint.

What were you eating, anyway? Are these, erm, “movements” normal? Is it actual waste? Or are you defecating like, Tonka trucks and Skittles? (Taste the Rainbow.) Again, I exhort you: Youtube.

It’s also possible that you put something too big up there and just totally ruined your butthole. You can do that. I read it. I think in National Geographic. Your anal ring is like the elastic in a pair of underpants. That stuff wears out, for real. And if you’re a big fat guy trying to fit into a tiny pair of man panties, you’re going to straight-up obliterate that elastic. Which brings us back to the butthole: you shouldn’t be putting anything up there larger than, say, a baby. And not a real chubby baby, either.

what colors do i need to paint an american flag?

I swear, I should slap the stupid out of your mouth. Really? You don’t know the colors of the American flag? No. No! I don’t care if you’re not from this country. We’re America. We have McDonalds everywhere. YOUR BASE BELONG TO US. Really? You really don’t know the colors?

Fine. Purple, yellow, and black.

Enjoy.

oatmeal boat canvas

I think you’re just making stuff up.

did squash make baby hard to poop

Ah! See? You did put a baby up there, didn’t you? Squash isn’t your problem. It’s the fact you jammed an entire baby up into your colon. It’s not a papoose, dumb shit. The baby is hard to poop out because, a-durrr, it’s a baby. And now he’s all dirty. See what you did? This is how serial killers are made.

my beard come so fat i wanna do laser so dat it comes slow

This phrase is so insane to me, it’s like I just trepanned a hole into my forehead and inserted a tube of bees. Wh… wha? Whu? F… wh? Puh? Let’s break this down. I need to take it slow.

My beard come so fat.” Um. Okay. Come, like, jizz? Nah, you’d have spelled that See You Em. Like, the beard is growing in big? Is that what “fat” implies?

I wanna do laser.” I wanna do laser, too. It sounds awesome. “Hey, Chuck, what’d you do yesterday?” “Damn, Jeremy, I do laser.” “Chuck, I wanna do laser, too!” “Not until your beard come fat, Jeremy!”

So dat it comes slow.” Dat? I hate you. That. The word is that. Ass. Anyway. I think I get it now. Your beard is growing in too fast, and so you want to have a laser treatment to… slow it down, I guess. You’re an idiot. Just shave it. Man up, Jennifer. It’s a beard. You have to handle it. Same way you have to shower the grease and carbuncles from your body once in a blue moon, sometimes you gotta maintain the beard.

meth penis

Aaaaaaaand, the corker.

Meth penis. Is this an afflication? A side effect? A house rule? A chess move? A delicacy? A Kung Fu technique? Is it a good thing? A bad thing? Is it a penis made of meth, or meth made from penises?

I hate all of you. This place is basically an overflowing septic tank. I’m going to find a cabin in the woods, and out there in the woods, no meth penis will ever find me.

*sob*

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