My Search Terms Are The Best Damn Search Terms On The Whole Wide Internet

And by “best” I also mean “worst.”

Seriously, any morning I need a little lift to my walk, a little lilt to my voice, I just crack open a hot frosty can of Search Term Bingo and see just how it is you muffinheaded miscreants are finding this here bloggery.

I usually do one of these every couple of weeks, often stapled to a steamy dose of Painting With Shotguns, but this week I got to looking at the past seven days’ worth of search term items because I see a lot of people are coming here looking for Lost finale answers, and once more I see a week’s worth of insane-o in the brain-o search terms. And dangit if it doesn’t make me giggle like a Girl Scout, it does. A tickled Girl Scout. A tickled Girl Scout that’s actually a 52-year-old man in a Girl Scout costume with a feather duster shoved up his asterisk.

(And yes, that’s right. The asterisk is the butthole of all typographical symbols. Three asterisks together –


– is like three cat anuses staring you down from the shadows.)

(It’s why the asterisk is often used as a footnote. Because the butthole is like an anatomical footnote. “Oh, by the way, this is the butthole.”)

(What were we talking about?)

(Who are you people? What did you do with my Sousaphone? And my lederhosen?)

(Oh! Right. Search terms. Snap. Got it.)

So, in no particular order, I present to you another fun day of Search Term Bingo.

Pauley Perrette, King of Porn

I get a lot of people coming here looking for Pauley Perrette, of course, but this is the first time anyone has ever referred to her as the mysterious “King of Porn.” Is there something you know that I don’t? Is Pauley Perrette a dude? I don’t think she’s a dude. If she is, she’s a hot dude. Maybe she’s got, erm, “all parts?” Like, an all-hands-on-deck gender situation? Maybe we’re talking about…

dreaded hermaphrodites

Crash of thunder! Dramatic music! Hermaphrodites are dreaded? Is this like, a Lovecraftian thing? “And doom came to Kings Mill in the form of dreaded hermaphrodites, ia, ia! Hermaphrodite fhtagn!”

Destroy All Porn

Oh no you don’t. You best not. Don’t step. The Internet needs its porn. Just like the world needs its oceans. You take away porn, the Internet will suffer such a vacuum that it will collapse in on itself — the implosion will consume us all. And hey, I need my porn. In daily, measurable doses. You try to destroy porn, you see what happens. You reach for that button, I’ll cut you. I’ll cut you bad. *pulls shiv*

Tips for growing Beard Potato on face

I am equal parts fascinated and horrified by this. On the one hand — wow, seriously? I can grow agriculture on my face? FACE FARM! So. Beard potatoes? What about beard onions? Beardsparagus? Beard greens? Plus, it makes a kind of sense. I often keep food in my beard. It’s like a facial pantry. “Where’s that peppermint candy I was saving? And that can of condensed milk?” Boom. Right here, all up in my beardspace. On the other hand, though, growing a potato there, that invites potato bugs. I already have problems with fruit flies and gypsy moths. Do I really want to invite potato bugs? Dilemmas, dilemmas.

Why is dialogue so hard to write?

Because you’re very dumb. All us smart people have no problem writing it! See, check it out:

“I like cake,” said Tony.

“Cake rules,” Bobo agreed, then peed in Tony’s eyes. They both laughed and laughed.

“Ha ha ha! Pee!”

“As a Monkey” BDSM costume or bondage

Hey, don’t fuck up good clean BDSM with monkey costumes. You have to draw the line somewhere. Keep your Hanuman cosplay out of old-fashioned American bondage, okay, pal? We don’t need your sexual anarchy. This isn’t the 1970s.

Innocent Beards

No such thing. All beards have blood in them. The myth of an innocent beard is just that. They must kill to claim power. Also, this is the name of my new band.

Motivational Cupcakes

This is fresh from the Department of Redundancy Department. C’mon. A cupcake by its very definition is motivational. You can get pretty much anything you want with the right amount of cupcakes. You can get a dude to cover himself in honey and fight a bear in the middle of a bee swarm if you offer him enough cupcakes. Me, I’ll do it for like… mmm, four. Four cupcakes.

Your bussiness card is crap penis!

Your ability to spell words is also equally crap penis! Indeed, too!

Saline fetish

Wh…whuh? What is a saline fetish? Saline as in…like, salt water? I put saline drops in my eyes, and I fail to see any sexual thrill there. It’s actually sort of unpleasant. I’ve also had saline injected after giving blood plasma, and while eerily cooling inside my body, I still don’t get a boner from it. Though, that sentence does contain the words ‘boner’ and ‘plasma,’ and if you put them together you get PLASMA BONER. Which is actually the best two-word combo I’ve ever used on this website. Write that down. Mark this occasion. Somebody put that shit on a t-shirt. Stat. Stat!

Everybody likes a whore with one leg

Is this a saying? “Well, Torvald, you know what they say: everybody likes a whore with one leg.” Why is it a saying? Is it because the whore can’t run? Like, you can just take your money back? “Ha ha ha, stupid hooker, I paid you money for this sex, but now I see you have one leg and so I will simply reach into your prosthetic and take my money back, you stupid hooker!” Because that’s just mean. Or maybe it’s because a whore with one leg is a little more maneuverable. She can do sex moves other hookers can’t do. I’d like to believe that this is why one-legged prostitutes are popular. In myth and history.

No one on Lost has a beard

That’s a fat sack of lies, as Maggie will show you right goddamn here.

fishing Hulk


Should I grow my beard to have sex?

You don’t need to. Some women will throw the unbearded a pity-bang. But that’s all it will ever be. Are you beardless? Have you had sex during that time of beardlessness? Then the sex was just a sad mercy. Then again, sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s good. So maybe you don’t care. Me? I have honor. I have beard. I love lamp.

the weather in your butthole

…is humid, 85, and partly cloudy. With a high pollen count.

was that [insert name’s] shoe in the bamboo?

Jesus Christ. People are nuts about the shoe in the bamboo in the Lost finale. I get search terms, “Is it Locke’s shoe?” “Is it Kate’s shoe?” “Is it Jack’s shoe?” I’m surprised nobody thought it was Vincent’s shoe. People, I’m pretty sure it’s Christian Shepherd’s shoe (and curiously, nobody searched for that).

i am the king of the goat people

Then I shall sing paeans in your honor.

can doves eat oatmeal?

Fuck do I know? You’re the king of the goat people. You tell me.

My bird bites my facial hair

That’s because birds only have feathers, and feathers are for dipshits. Beards have power, and feathers are the antithesis of power. They represent total powerlessness. Birds are worthless creatures, really. They don’t do anything except fly around and crap on stuff and sing stupid little jerk songs. They have no value. So, the bird trying to pick at your beard, he’s just trying to claim value for himself. You can’t blame him. But you can cook him and eat him.

if Bible characters could talk

…then they’d probably say the same shit they already say. In the Bible. You’re dumb.

buffalow sexy blue fuck film

Beefalow nasty purple bang book

Why does a Yorkshire terrier lie on its back and squeal when other dogs are near

That terrier sounds like a real douchebag. You should have a talk with him. That’s just embarrassing.

Red spots on my penis from stripper spit

You might be confusing “stripper” with, say, “cobra.” Though, let’s assume you’re smart enough not to confuse those two. If the stripper spits on your pee-pole and it instantly starts to blister, then you need to call the CDC or some shit, because that chick is the human personification of herpes. Like, she is herpes. Given form. And allowed to walk on this earth. She might be a devil. A real goddamn devil. From Hell and shit.

Does bovine spleen hurt you?

Only if you dry a bunch of them until they’re hard as little walnuts and then fill a sock with all the dried bovine spleens and then repeatedly slam yourself in the crotch with the spleen-sock.

strangling blog

This is a monster in the updated Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. “The Strangling Blog!”

What is wrong with me if I crave salt with ice?

Sounds like AIDS.

Yellow gelatinous mass came out of my nose when I blew my nose why?

…Why? Why? Are you goddamn serious? It’s called snot, dummy. “Yellow golden fluid comes out of my wee-wee wand when I hold it and point it toward a toilet bowl why?” Also, way to phrase a question. “Go to the store how?” You’re like a mule-kicked Yoda.

Stories to make you throb

Got you covered. Click here, then click here. Boom. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

why should I put up with my wife?

Because she’s smarter than you. And prettier. Sure, she makes you wear that French Maid costume. Yes, sometimes she hits you in the scrotum with a car antenna. But, what? Do you really think you’re going to do better? Some advice: you’re not. This is it. This is all you get. Plus, she occasionally throws you a mercy bang, you beardless freak.

im a control freak thats why i practice witchcraft

At least you’re honest.

fuck i have really tried to tap into the power

Word. Me too, man. Me too. Every damn day. Fuck, indeed.


  • It took me three attempts to read all of this. I had to take breaks, because it hurt to laugh anymore after a while. You really do have the best search term comments ever. All I get is shit about Exalted and people asking sexual questions about Stargate Universe characters.

  • “Everybody likes a whore with one leg.”

    Thank you, Weaver. This post absolutely made my morning, and has set the tone for the entire day. While I think I should be judicious with that line (I do work in a female-dominated department), I think the proper application could really spice things up a bit; make life that much more interesting.

    • I really like the line. I wonder in what context one would actually use it.

      Like, when something goes wrong, but you knew it would all along? You just shrug and say, “Well. You know how it is. Everybody likes a whore with one leg.”

      Or, maybe it’s when something good happens, something unexpected — “Well, hot damn! Miller scored the big sale. Nice work, Miller! Everybody likes a whore with one leg, am I right, buddy?”

      — c.

  • I’m going to steal that phrase for the comic one day. Probably have Thorton say it.

    “It’s just like my father always said, everybody likes a whore with one leg!”

    • Perhaps one day it shall become a powerful Internet meme.

      We can start a site. On it will be pictures of cats and Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch and Jack’s eye closing on LOST and in each we’ll somehow incorporate the phrase, “Everybody likes a whore with one leg.”

      — c.

  • I doubt any of my search terms approach this level of hilarity. At least, not yet. Should I aspire to this kind of fame and (dubious) fortune, or be thankful for my obscurity?

  • “You’re like a mule-kicked Yoda.”  This is why I married you.  Now all I need is a t-shirt with this, a donkey kicking up its back legs and Yoda spiraling head over heals through the air. Sweet.

    • Shit, now we have *two* t-shirts to make!

      Or, maybe, you do one t-shirt — the image is the YODA + MULE, and the text is, EVERYBODY LIKES A WHORE WITH ONE LEG!

      It’ll make no sense.

      The ultimate terribleminds in-joke.

      Someone get on that! Hurry!

      — c.

  • I am a fount of useless wisdom. Prepare to be founted.

    A saline fetish involves the injection of saline solution into a body part with the goal of making it swell like a water balloon. Use your imagination as to which body parts this is commonly used on.

    Since the body is mostly salt water, the additional fluid added during play is absorbed naturally making the swelling a temporary thing. Before it’s absorbed however, you look like a mutated freak show.

    So, if you ever imagined temporarily swelling your dong to the size of a pumpkin squash, you can do it… thanks to SCIENCE!

    • I…


      Man, people are kind of goofy.

      But hey, whatever makes your grapefruit squirt, I guess.

      Even if it’s bloating your sexy parts up to look like befattened hot dogs.

      — c.

  • People at my work are confused, because I’m laugh/crying. (Larying? Like Pariaha)

    They say, “whats so funny”
    I say, “If i told you i’d get fired”

    Im suprised no one searched, ” I can haz chuck wendig”

    Also i always pronouce your name chuck wendigo

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