Lost: Live-Blog Together, Die Alone

Ahem.

Watch this space. Here there be liveblogging starting ’roundabouts 9PM EST.

I may be sauced. Or, I may be sober, and then get sauced. There’s just no way to tell.

More soon, Lostmonkeys.

8:11 PM — Testing, testing. Sibilance. Sibilance. I see you, tequila. I goddamn jolly well see you. By the way, these Lost “Final Transmissions” are equal parts sweet and stupid. I did like the one chick who was like, “Sawyer, I want your babies!”

8:18PM — Y’know, watching this recap, I’m reminded that Ben is sort of a bad fucking dude in a lot of ways. He’s done some genuinely awful shit. And yet you love the guy. He’s a real rogue element in this finale. Could go either way. Like Angelina Jolie. Or me in college. (Oh, relax. I’m joking. No dudes would make out with me. *sob*)

8:50PM — Okay. Okay! Yes. The Alton Brown margarita — not the easist thing in the world to make, but certainly a tasty treat. TEQUILA. Nom nom nom. 100% agave. Blanco, bitches. Yes. Lost. This is about Lost. Must remind. Not about tequila. Mmm. Tequila. What’s happening? Where are my pants? Who put this ferret next to my balls?

8:55 PM — Five minutes! Five minutes! Squee! Five minutes! *poops pants*

8:58PM — My wife’s joke, redux: When Jacob is going to pass along his guardianship to Jack: “Do you have a cup?” My wife: “Because I saw this thing on the Internet? With two girls?”

9:08PM — DRUNK VOMIT mahaha. Okay, not really. One margarita down. Two Star Wars references. “I got a bad feeling about this.” Was Jack doing some funky prayer shiznit by the water there? Was he communing with the island? Was the line about him not feeling any different a lie? Oh, also good: “Christian Shepherd? Seriously?”

9:10PM — Man, live-blogging makes you feel the pressure. Like, I have to be “on.” I have to be funny. OH SHOW! Back on! *vomits*

9:12 PM — Oh my God it’s Richard! No. No wait — it’s Charlie with eyeliner.

9:15 PM — Vincent! My life is complete.

9:18PM — Nice beard, Bernard. By the way, if this show doesn’t end with Vincent and Lapidus together, ruling the island as a wacky cop duo, I will make Cuse eat Lindelof.

9:24PM — Booze! More booze! Now Juliet! Booze and Juliet!

9:27PM — Holy shit. They speak English now. In the Sideways world. What the fizzle? My wife just asks me, “Wait, because you’re doing this, does this mean we have to stay downstairs until 11:30?” I just smile and giggle and throw up in her lap. Proof of why she married me. Oh! And like Rick’s doing — hey, anybody who wants to “live-blog” in the comments, damn yeah. That’s the point. Live-blog together, or die alone. First person to spooge on the cracker gets a cookie. And also, a cracker.

9:28 PM — This margarita is ass compared to the last one. I rushed it during a commercial break. Tastiness takes time. So, the weird thing about the Sideways world is actually the… better, proper world. The people who did right are happy. Those that have done wrong are, well, less than happy. This is a world in balance. Desmond’s trying to get them “back.” Maybe that’s bad. Maybe he’s the Smoke Monster. Maybe he’s Not-Desmond. Brutha. He’s the Brutha from Anutha Mutha. Er, Brutha.

9:30 — Theme here is very 80s.

9:33 YESSSSSSSSS LAPIIIIIDUS

9:36 — Sorry, fuck dashes back then. FRANK THE RABBIT is back. Now we just need Lapidus to transform into his true helicopter form. Yeah. Anyway, holy shit! We’re not even 45 minutes into it, and it’s all kinds of ball-waving cock-swinging ass-kicking good. Way to move fast, Lost, into kicking this into full gear.

9:37 — My wife says, “I’m hungry.” I say, “There are nuts.” And I laugh inside.

9:38 — Wife now sees what I’m doing. She’s watching this right now. Don’t make any sudden movements. She’s like the T. Rex. She tracks you by movement.

9:39 — Ahh. Juliet. Mom. Aunt Claire. This Sideways world is the world that makes sense…

9:41 — Jack. Locke. Desmond. Good. Evil. The Dude In Between.

9:44 PM — Is the Sideways world some kind of heaven? Hell? What? Desmond here seems to be behind his Sideways self — there, he wants to come back. Here, he wants to go there.  Hah, smoke alert commercia, and it’s Smokey, and it’s… ohhh, silly Target. You’re so cute.

9:45PM — My margarita is empty. This is hell. This is Smokey’s fault. I blame him. He stole my booze!

9:46PM — Wife wants to take a break from booze. This is your turn to convince her of the bullshittery of that notion. Drink! Drink! Chug! Chug! By the way, my favorite porn spam ever was: WATCH YOUR 50 YR OLD AUNT CHUG COCK. Chug cock? that’s evocative language, people.

9:53 — Wife would like you all to know, Claire looks bloated. Maybe she’s been eating babies.

9:54 — Goddamn, it’s hard to type when it’s dark. And when you’re holding a margarita. And when you’re masturbating wantonly. What? Shut up. You love it. Pervs.

9:55 — Maggie and Sayid. Sweetest moment so far this episode. Also: Hurley is really the Zen Dude King of the show. He’s the rock. He’s its gooey yet chocolate-coated center. Everybody Loves Hugo.

9:56 — My wife: “Would you like some nuts in your mouth?” Uhh. Yes? Also. Margaritas are a pain in the dick to make when you’re trying to also liveblog some shiznit. Might need to just drink whisky. Because, y’know, the only place I pour that is IN MY MOUF.

10:01 — This show is about love, people. And I lvoe scotch. Scotchy Scotchy Scotch.

10:05 — Jack’s not Jacob for long. And Smokey’s just a dude? And Heaven turned to Hell. And the Island had a big drain. Oops.

10:08 — Balvenie Doublewood. Wahtchoo got?

10″09 — Typosd can suck my perineum OH MY GOD IT’S ON *pees panties*

10:12 — “OH MY GOD he’s covered in egg *vomits*”

10:16 — Oh, c’mon. You can lift that. It’s a tree. It’s not a boulder. The shaking is a little corny, too. Also: it feels like the DTs.

10:18 — PUNCH HIS BALD HEAD! Wooo! Jack is Neo! And Jesus! And Kung Fu Conan!

10:19 — What the fuck is up with that AT&T commercial? It’s like, “Isn’t it cool to be an imaginative five-year old? AT&T.” Total non sequitur. Like, “Don’t you remember what is was like to draw cartoon bears? Smith & Wesson. And Bank of America.” That commercial is entirely unrelated to the subject matter.

10:20PM — By the way: awesome thing about this episode? I still don’t know where they’re taking me. Got over an hour left, and I’m left thinking, “Eeee! What the hell?” I’ve never been so happy to not have a goddamn clue. Also: the whole “Sideways-world revelations/reunions” thing is really quite touching. This show is firing on all cylinders for me. And it’s not just ’cause I’m high on angel dust.

10:21 — Okay. Quick poll. Favorite moment so far? GO!

10:22 — I know when you’re having a baby you poop the bed. Did Claire poop the island?

10:24 –Reminder: Kate is a murderer.

10:25 == Wiggle your toe!

10:26 — THE SHOW DOES AS I DEMAND!

10:27 — Is Jack the only one who isn’t “awake” now? He started to see. What is this place? What is this time? The Sideways world — is it some kind of collective delusion? Is it the afterlife? All this time, people have wondered: “Is the island the afterlife?” No. But maybe the Sideways world is. And maybe they can come back from the brink. Maybe this is is that. And maybe I need to change my pants. This has been a killer finale so far. I’m really pleased.

10:30 — I’m almost out of scotch in my glass. This is a cardinal sin. This is my own personal version and vision of hell. Is anyone else drinking? I saw someone say “Yuengling.” Good for you. Thank you for supporting the Pennsylvanian economy.

10:32 — Rain’s… over?

10:33 — what’s great is, when the characters in the Sideways world see irony, they’re sharing it with us. Jin thinks it’s funny that Sawyer’s a cop. A detective. They’re us. In LOST, the story is alive. The narrative is thriving.

10:34 — Duct tape works. GO LAPIDUS. Turn into your true form! Copter everybody away!

10:37 — Oooh! So good. I completely love the choices of who stays. Ben! Hurley! Jack! What a fascinating goddamn trio. And still an hour to go! Ish! And then it’s gone. My wife laments. Lamentations!

10:38 — I need to pee. My wife reminds me that I am not allowed to pee on the couch. Not after… well. Not after the last time I peed on the couch. Oh! Tuesday! I miss you already.

10:41 — This last hour is the HOUR OF LAPHROAIG. Yes. Smokey! Get it? Smokey! It’s in honor of Smokey! I just made that up! I just peed ont he couch! Eeeeee! *diaper full*

10:42 — Quote of the night: “I don’t believe in a lot of things. But I do believe in duct tape.”

10:43: Why My Wife Rocks v.3.0 — I entreated her to tell me what this scotch smells like, thinking she’ll say, “Smoke.” but she instead says, “LAPIDUS.” And she says it again: “LA-PEAT-US.” This is why i married her, goddamnit.

10:46PM — LOST: You had me at, “You got it, Blondie.” Best moment of the show so far.

10:47PM: LOST POLL — favorite LOST character? Do it up. Tell me! Give into my drunken demands!

10:48PM — lot of commercials, but they’re short, i gotta say. I’ll take it. Gives me a chance to talk to you perverts. I’m still weirded out — is the Sideways world a curse of some kind? An insanity, ala Hurley in the asylum? Waking up is good in the terms of revelation and realization, but… why leave that? Why want to leave it unless it’s just plain not real? An illusion? And is Smokey really dead? Is that too easy?

10:51 — True Blood. Last season was good for the first half, stupid as shit in the second.

10:54 YES HURLEY AS ISLAND GUARDIAN I told you soon he’ll be Buddha and Ho Toy and all martial arts and fire breathing and shit!@

10:57PM — Jack: “Oooh! I fell on my keys! Ooooh. OOOOOH.”

11:00 — The witching hour. Everybody do a shot! Also, how the hell are they going to get that plane aloft? And yes, Claire. You do look crazy. You’re a farking moonbat. And my wife would like to remind you that you look bloated.

11:03 — “Good to see you too, …?” What did sawyer call Miles?

11:04 — LAPIIIIIDUS! My wife echoes the call: “LAPEEEEENIS!”

11:06 — And we still don’t know what’s up with the Sideways world. LOST, you’re fucking with my gourd. And I love it.

11:07 — I hear a theory that Jack might become the new Smoke Monster now. interesting. Not sold on it, though — this is a happy, triumphant moment, not a vengeful flensing of soul-from-body.

11:08 — “This is a new drug that prevents acid reflux and boner failure and beard weakness. It’s called HAGRID AC.”

11:09PM — Hey, y’know, I’m okay that they won’t explain everything. As my wife says, “It’s not a toaster. I don’t need to know the ins and outs.” She’s totally right. Sometimes, magic is just goddamn jolly well magic, y’know? I have the answers I think I need. Also, I’m drunk. Which fills in like, at least half of my answers right there. LA PEAT US!

11:10PM — This Laphroiag has some legs, goddamnit. The bell jar is like a syphilitic peepee.

11:30 PM — Yeah, I know, I haven’t blogged for a while. Wow. Show’s over. That’s going to be a controversial ending. But my initial reaction: I feel very… touched and I think it worked. I think it juked us just right but never invalidated what happened. It didn’t tie up everything but it also… tied up everything. Cosmically. Spiritually. Thematically. I dunno. I got tears in my eyes. And maybe a little pee in my pants. I think that was the right finale for the show. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Dying to hear your thoughts.

11:33 PM — The news is reporting some dumb shit. These local yokels are “reviewing” the finale — they say that everybody died in the pilot? Like, they all died in the plane crash? Is that their conclusion? No! No, that’s not it at all. They live. Jack dies at the end, but Hurley keeps going. Sawyer and them make it off the island (unless we saw those last shots of a plane crash for a reason?) — the point is that everybody lives until they die. Right? The news is reporting that all these people think that everybody died in the initial plane crash? Seriosuly? No! No. No. As the wife says, “These thoughts can eat a dick because they are wrong. Jesus Christ.”