Sometimes, America Makes You Just Want To Kick A Baby

It’s been a while since I’ve launched into a political post here at Ye Olde Terryblemyndes. It’s not because I’ve turned all yellabelly on you — it’s partly because, hey, I’ve just had my head buried under This Writer’s Life, but it’s mostly because… well, hell, I just don’t know what to say anymore.

When I try to think about healthcare or jobs or any of that, I feel like I’m reaching out into a fog, and instead of pulling back reasonable answers, I pull back a rabid dingo. And the dingo just keeps biting me and biting me until I’m so angry, bees explode out of my head. You’re all like, “Where’d those bees come from? Weren’t we just talking about a dingo?” And I’m all like, “I do not know. I can’t stop and think about it, because apparently my brain is made of bees.” Buzz, buzz.

Soon as I start peeling back the skin on America’s problems, I find nothing but maggots and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups wrappers. And a Justin Bieber CD. Who the hell is Justin Bieber, by the way? (Oh, it’s just Ellen Page! That silly girl, pretending to be a little boy.)

I cannot form coherent thoughts.

Only the red haze, sponsored by the brain bees and the bitey dingo.

I mean, let’s take a peek.

Utah wants to criminalize miscarriages while simultaneously removing 12th grade as a necessity.

Members of the Grand Old Party are saying all manner of funny business, like how abortions are worse for the African-American community than a little tiny thing called “slavery,” or how recent snowfall is obviously evidence that climate change is a big effluent bucket of gopher diarrhea.

The Birthers. Remember those monkeyfuckers? Yeah, they’re still around, and somehow are gaining support. (Newest theory: Obama is a CIA mole!)

The craziest — or stupidest — people have the loudest voice: Palin, Beck, Limbaugh, the brain-diseased Tea Party members. So much so that suddenly Bill O’Reilly emerges as a voice of sanity, which proves we’re all double-stuffed with fucking doom.

Meanwhile, the Democrats can’t seem to affect much change at all. We get a sane president up in this neighborhood and it’s like all the lunatics and morons come pouring out of the boltholes and sockets and broken pipes, a tide of rats and roaches ready to nibble us all to death. And the Democrats — who have a majority — just climb up on chairs and make eeee! noises like little girls. (Holding up their skirts, skirts whose pockets are stuffed with money from special interests. Do skirts have pockets? I mean, some do, right? Ladies in the crowd, make some noise: skirt pockets? If not, man, you should get some. Pockets are great. You can keep anything in there. Gum. Lip balm. Voodoo dolls. A cube with a button on it that, when pressed, implodes all known galactic space. So on, so forth.)

The GOP keep saying, “No we won’t,” and Obama keeps saying “Yes we can!” when really he should be saying, “Yes we will.” And then he should hit nay-sayers with nunchuks. Whap! Whap! Fwaaa! Karate kick! Flamethrower!

Every week is another week of, “Man, I just can’t think about this.” The red haze, the angry dingo, the flock of bees. It won’t let me get my head around it. I feel like I’m slipping and sliding toward cynicism again; not a helpful place, and a place I’ve long-cautioned against.

Then it occurred to me what we’re all missing:

We’re missing the proper pop culture commentary. We don’t have the likes of a Bill Hicks anymore. Carlin up and died on us. I feel like comedy has clipped its own nuts off. I feel like nobody is out there really calling out the absurdity — well, okay, we have The Daily Show, but they’re a lone voice, and further, it’s easy to wave them off as a parody of news (even though you’ll probably hear more truth out of Jon Stewart than any pundit or talking head on CNN). We need more people to stand up. We need more incisive, biting commentary. Don’t look to SNL. They play it like the news plays it: even-handed and ultimately tepid. It’s like they feel they have to abide by some “equal time comedy rule.” And what happened to politically-charged, pissed-off music? Music that says something? Anybody? Crickets chirping? Tumbleweeds tumbling?

Le sigh.

So, yeah. There you go. A rambling Saturday post explaining why I haven’t been offering up much political commentary: I just don’t have much to say. I can’t seem to crystallize my feelings (translation: my yawping rage and confusion) in a way that will inform and entertain. Every time I turn on the news or read a headline, I just think, “Dang, America. You so crazy, you make me want to kick a baby.”

And I, dear readers, am not a baby-kicker.

That should tell you how far I’ve been pushed.


  • THanks for boosting the signal on the Utah-misscarriage thing. I’m writing Nicholas Kristoff about it today.

    Man, I mourn the loss of Molly Ivins. That one hurt.

    The antics up in this bitch we call the Motherland is enough to make the baby Satan cry, and THAT, my friend, is when shit is wheel’s off.

  • I don’t think the Great White North is ready for the Magic Pensyltucky Beard. Just saying.

    I want to comment, but I don’t know that there is anyway I can without being an absolute ass – and not because of the content above, but by the shame I feel for political deadlock that’s come from someone trying to change the system. I’ve always believed that a person could affect change from within.

    Apparently I was wrong.

  • At this point, given what I’ve seen everywhere else (yes, including Canada), there is Nowhere To Run To, Baby. Nowhere To Hide.

    My daughter wants to buy a rocket ship at the rocket ship store and take the family to Mars.

    I’m thinking it’s a good idea.

    I used to be all patriotic, flag-waving, GO US! I figured that no matter how bad the shit was here, it’s better than anywhere else. Bahahahaha.

    I’m just so frigging disappointed.

  • I really want to extoll the virtues of my country here, but I don’t think it’s the time or the place. I have my own blog for that; no need to Canadianize Chuck’s.

    And you’re right in a sense; things are equally fucked all over. However, I will point out that in a very Orwellian way, some animals are more equally fucked than others.

  • Ah, Nova Scotia. Home of lobster dinners and Acadian food. Also only an 18 hour ferry ride away from where I live.

    Unless we end up moving to the New Brunswick-Maine border, like we’re discussing.

  • Had to track down a working Canadian link. Thanks Chuck. I invite you to take refuge in my country, and you repay me with links I can’t watch. You break my </3.

    Anyway. If there's two things I took away from that video, it's this: 1) President Obama is growing very, very tired of dealing with Republicans being obstinate for no other reason than obstinancy itself. How fast he slapped the minority whip back down proves that. And 2) John McCain really, really needs to get over the fact that he lost. He’s well into his seventies, but he’s acting like a five year old who didn’t get picked first at kickball.

    • I look forward to the day when Obama finally snaps. He gets on TV. Loose tie. Rumpled collar. Evil goatee.

      And he’s all like, “You know what? Fuck it. I’m doing this shit whether you like it or not. You don’t like it? Then you hate America, you America-hating motherfuckers. Next asshole who steps to me gets the Wall of Shame. Did I mention we have a Wall of Shame? Whitehouse-dot-gov forward-slash wall-of-motherfucking-shame. Click it. You’ll see. We photoshopped Boehner to look like he’s got his dick lodged in a monkey’s asshole. Next to it is a list of all the completely stupid shit that tumbled out of his mouth.”

      — c.

  • Had to have hubby back off from watching all news all the time. His inability to change some of the things he was seeing and just realizing how truly stupid people could be was sending him into rages. Yes, literal rages! (Scared me a little too!) He’s better now. Trying to take stuff in smaller dosages. It’s way frustrating out there… Eek!

  • There skirts with pockets. I’ve seen them. But why would girls need pockets when they have The Rack Trap? (review by a friend here:

    I know it’s just a cold comfort, but Poland (and the rest of Europe) isn’t much better off. Last year we had to have a minister intervene so a 14 yo. girl could abort a pregnancy that was the result of rape and was threatening her life.

  • Personally, I would love to see the Healthcare debate redubbed with the the famous Bunk & McNulty “Fuck” scene from the Wire.

  • I know you’re not a baby kicker. A dog puncher, sure. You’ve even karate chopped grandmas. But a baby kicker? You’re too good for that.

    There are days when the personal things in life make me want to just break down with rage and I haven’t had much time to process things going on nationally yet.

    Still, the belief that things will be better than they are now keeps me going. With as unfortunate as things are now, eventually things will be better.

  • I used to have a personal blog with a lot of political content. People ask me why I got rid of it. Now I can just point to this post.

  • February 27, 2010 at 1:04 PM // Reply

    Civil war would be imminent if the people of this country were actually prepared to pick up a weapon or words and fight for their beliefs. Sadly everyone is too busy discussing the options on news sites, blogs, and Twitter while eating a Big Mac and crying into their wallets.

    A noble few of the incorruptible will continue to push for real change. Meanwhile they will be swallowed by the majority who are ruled by their campaign dollars.

    Obama is no different than the rest of them. He wants to make a difference but is handicapped by a system put in place precisely to do just that. He is powerless to do anything besides roll his eyes and beat his shoe on a desk.

    America is lost. Corporations rule this roost and that was proven by the economic bailout. Where was my stimulus check? Where is the extra things I need to feed my family? Banks should have failed in order to make the survivors realize their faults. Sadly no one has any clue what to do or how to do it.

    Lobbying needs to be outlawed and the citizens need to do more than wait for the “leaders” of this nation to do something.

    In the meantime nothing will change. Nothing at all. This may be a bleak outlook, but there hasn’t much to offer me a better view of a better tomorrow.

    This political system is corrupt and broken beyond repair.

  • I grew up believing that America was full of idiots and rich white men who make laws for the purpose of oppressing the poor, women, and minorities, and then pound their chests about how very American all that makes them. I eventually learned, thanks to the interweb, that it was full of wonderful people, too, the ranks of which include my best friend since I was 14 and husband. (I never really wanted to move here, though, and I still look forward to going back to Canada.)

    However, the more time I spend here, the more I wonder if my original thoughts were more correct. Some days, they certainly seem that way.

  • Maybe to add a floating peanut of hope, a corn kernal of light into the “big effluent bucket of gopher diarrhea” (Um, well done and eww.) I offer the following:

    He’s no Bill Hicks, but he IS Lewis Black. Funny, angry, oft political, wise man.

    Angry political music? Look no further than Propagandhi. You’re voice for smart, angry liberal since 1990 something. Too Canadian for ya? NOFX has gotten more political in the Bush years.

    Our 24 hour news vomit and constant left-right, red-blue bickerfest seem to only bring on the bleak. At least these voices shout and give the finger.


  • The anti-corporate attitude of Americans always amazes me. Every big business is evil and corrupt – unless, you know, it employs you, or makes you rich. I mean, I’m no stranger to corporate malfeasance, but at the same time, Americans freaked out when banks got bailed out, but every time one of our ridiculously incompetent auto companies amazingly goes bankrupt, people scramble to save it “because they employ so many people” or “it’s in our national interest.”

  • In the past 18 months I went from being a politically cynical fuck craving the Return of an AK-toting Jesus, to having hope (albeit somewhat blind and baseless) and feeling like maybe – just maybe… and now the pendulum has swung back further than I could have ever feared.
    I think maybe.
    Dare I say it?
    Maybe _I_ am the AK-toting, huge-ball-swinging, Son of God come to make this country, NAY! This World – Good and Pure.

    See, I have to believe that we are capable of something better, something right; a society that’s fair and just without having to coerce its citizenry into caring or acting for the betterment of themselves and their neighbors. And if it takes a mythological guy in a white robe and groovy sandals swinging the Muzzle of Righteousness towards the groins of the Rubes, then so be it. I don’t care much of the means, but the ends must come about sooner, rather than later because I don’t think we can afford much more of a wait.

  • I could not agree more. We are living in a bizzaro world where each side is unable to comprehend the point of view of the other. I simply do not understand people who cannot get behind taking care of those less fortunate. Especially if you have been elected and sent to Washington to do JUST THAT. I have given up on reading the newspaper as it serves no other purpose than to give me a pounding headache.

    Anyway, great post and while I’m here, love the redesign.

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