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Catholics, from a “personal space” perspective, haven’t ever really bugged me. We have a number of Catholics in our family, as well as a handful of Baptists. All relatively pleasant people. The Catholics, though, are fairly quiet about what they are and what they do. I don’t mean to suggest that they’re hiding it; I only mean that they’re not all up in your grill about it. The Baptists? Ehh. Urrrm. Maybe not so much.When my grandmother, the legendary “Mom-Mom,” was diagnosed with mesothelioma, they gave her six months to live. (She literally counted down to those six months on the calendar, and when she did not die, she gained a new lease on life with a terminal disease. She then went on to live another five-and-a-half years, which according to her doctor might’ve been some kind of record for people with that swiftly murderous disease. She chose no treatment options except the occasional “draining-of-the-lung.” Which sounds like some kind of weird Irish ritual. “Old Noah Kelly went down to the pub today, underwent the ol’ draining-o-the-lung, he did.” She also never ate cheese in her life. Perhaps that is the secret to long living. But I digress.)
Mom-Mom was a Catholic. As was my other grandmother, Gram, who claimed distant lineage to the last John Paul, and who served as an apostolic minister for Mother Church, and who would scrape mold off of cheese, meat, and bread, and feed it to me, a five-year-old boy. Along with a cup of coffee for me to dunk my buttered bread in. When confronted about the mold, she said, “It’s all penicillin.” Which isn’t strictly true, but hey, she lived to the grand old age of 91. (And she did eat cheese. The dilemma continues!)
Anyway.
To me, “Catholic” was always equal to “Christian.”
Cue the Baptists.
The Baptist contingent would occasionally send missionaries to the distant wilds and hooting jungles that was… er, my mother’s house to recruit the stubborn pagan known as “Mom-Mom.” Seriously. They’d show up and try to get her to convert away from Catholicism because they wanted her to go to Heaven.
Mom-Mom took it in stride and answered in the vein of how anyone could and perhaps should answer when confronted with troubling spiritual recruitment. She laughed and said:
(paraphrased) “I’m not worried, I’m just going to go right up to Heaven’s door and knock on it, and say, ‘Jesus, it’s me, Alice!’ And then Jesus will say, ‘Oh, hello, Alice!’ and let me in.”
That was that. End of story. Game over. That was her spiritual view of how it would all shake out in the end. Further, that was how she waved off religious detractors. Took the steam right out of the conversion attempt.
Cut to last night.
Wife and I were leaving the house. Under my windshield wiper I see a tiny slip of paper:
Now, in case you’re having a hard time reading that, let me go ahead and write it up:
Pope Eugene IV, Council of Florence, “Cantante Domino,” 1441, ex cathedra: “The Holy Roman Church firmly believes, professes and preaches that all who are outside the Catholic Church, not only pagans but also Jews or heretics and schismatics, cannot share in eternal life and will go into the everlasting fire which was prepared for the devil and his angels, unless they are joined to the Church before the end of their lives; that the unity of this ecclesiastical body is of such importance that only those who abide in it do the Church’s sacraments contribute to salvation and do fasts, almsgiving and other works of piety and practices of the Christian militia productive of eternal rewards; and that nobody can be saved, no matter how much he has given away in alms and even if he has shed blood in the name of Christ, unless he has persevered in the bosom and unity of the Catholic Church.” — www[dot]vaticancatholic[dot]com.
Again, this was under my windshield wiper. Which means someone in my neighborhood (or someone coming to my neighborhood) walked down our alley and onto our gravel driveway to leave this for us.
Fine. Okay. Whatever.
My first question is:
Isn’t this a little out-of-tune for the Catholics? Heavy recruitment doesn’t seem their gig, unless it’s during missionary trips abroad. I’ve seen Chick tracts (classic archive of the crazy right here), and Chick believed that Roman Catholicism was explicitly not a part of Christianity. This little slip of paper doesn’t seem in line with Catholic conversion efforts.
My second — and ultimately more important — question is:
Has this shit ever worked? Ever!?
Has anyone ever undergone a total spiritual conversion from garbage left under a windshield wiper?
Holy Hell, I won’t even buy discounted furniture from a flyer left on my goddamn car. Do they think I’m going to accept the sudden yoke of papal instruction? A life in the Church? Really?
Has anybody plucked such a slip from their windshield and fell to their knees as the Holy Ghost gets all up in those guts? Am I supposed to have a miraculous conversion from Saul to Paul (from Chuck to Buck, perhaps?), a religious revelation with my Hyundai serving as the Road to Damascus where Jesus is all like, “Chuck, why do you persecute me, dude? That sucks and you’re kind of a jerk. Here, let me blind you with paper cuts from this tiny slip of religious propaganda, and then in three days of time, the scales — er, scabs — will fall from your eyes, and Ye Shall Become Catholic As A Motherfucker!”
(Then Jesus yells, “Boom!” and drops the mic and walks off-stage.)
Maybe it could be more low-key? Like, I pick up the slip, I get in the car, I read it. And then I hand it to my wife and say, “Hey, honey. I found this under the wiper. I’m Catholic now. Let’s hit the Church, see if they have any of those delicious-ass crackers left. Daddy’s got himself a growly belly!”
Has anyone ever picked up one of those Chick tracts that look like a half-a-dollar bill at a payphone and suddenly been like, “Oh, snap! I’m a greedy douche, I thought that was a dollar, and now it’s not, and what a dick I am! And I totally like to party and drink and listen to the hottest bands and use low-grade condoms! I’m just like Jill the Party Girl, in secret service to Satan! Jesus, whisk me away from this dirty, AIDS-besotted payphone!”
Does the Church really want someone willing to undergo total religious revelation from a photocopied swatch of propaganda?
It cracks me up. I thought maybe it might crack you up, too.
Hey, listen, let me be clear: while I’m not a religious peep, I have no great issue with religion or religious people. I think it can be a good thing. I don’t like fundamentalists, but I don’t like fundamentalist anything — anybody so married to religion, capitalism, socialism, atheism (really, any -ism) is someone you should watch. People like to claim religion is responsible for all kinds of bad things — ehh, yes and no. People are responsible for all kinds of bad shit. Religion is just a thing. It can be the thing that elevates you, or the thing that excuses you. “But people have killed in the name of religion! If we didn’t have religion, the Crusades never would’ve happened!” Mm-hmm. You keep telling yourself that. Philosophy? Politics? Food? Fire? That guy’s hair? That girl’s dress? Beer? People will fight over anything because people are stupid. And they’ll kill the shit out of each other.
Religion can be great. My aunt who recently passed had written a beautiful poem when she knew the end was coming. The poem was a kind of… entreaty to Christ coupled with a coming-of-terms with her terminal illness. It was really nice, and obviously gave her strength, and further gives those who are left behind a measure of strength, too. Religion’s detractors will be unmerciful in the sweep of their rational scythe, but they so rarely take into account that on a personal level, religion can be a very powerful and profound thing.
Which is why it is perhaps best left off the windshield of my car.
I’m just putting that out there.
About The Author
ChuckWendig
Chuck Wendig is equal parts novelist, screenwriter, and game designer. He is the author of the novels DOUBLE DEAD, BLACKBIRDS, and MOCKINGBIRD. In addition, he's got a metric boatload of writing-related e-books available, including the popular 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER. He currently lives in the wilds of Pennsyltucky with wife, dog, and newborn progeny.
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That was fabulous.
A personal story-
About a decade ago I was in a grocery store parking lot and a pleasant looking woman approached me with a handful of pamphlets. She smiled and said, “I was just wondering if you’ve found your way to Jesus Christ yet. I’d like to talk to you if you have some time.” I said, “Ma’am, I’m a Catholic.” She took a step back and said, “Oh. I’m sorry. You have a good day now,” and walked away.
Over the past decade or so in speaking with my mom, who actually IS still Catholic and not using it as a defense mechanism like I do, I’ve discovered that they’re working hard now to spread the news. Not sure why this is going on again, as it seems like they have more than enough money for Vatican City to remain as opulent as Graceland, but whatever.
Because I’m often a cynical bitch I’m assuming it’s a way to fundraise.
And if the money were to go where it needs they wouldn’t be closing my mom’s parish.
Rant over.
One more thing-
I really wish they had left Nothing Sacred on the tube.
@Julie –
Makes sense. Western Catholicism is, I think, on the decline (numbers wise). But Catholicism in third-world countries is huge — which is of course why we saw all that anti-pope talk years back, and I wonder when they’ll finally get behind it and put a Non-White Dude in the Big Pope Hat.
– c.
At least in my experience while I was Catholic, it vibed with the first part of your story, not at all with the slip-of-paper variety. But I guess things are changing. I don’t know. I converted to Judaism, so I’m doubly damned according to these paper-slip peeps. I’ll bring the kosher hotdogs to the bonfire in hell, I guess.
At a Marilyn Manson concert, years ago, a large group of Christians were protesting outside… Despite the appeal of the local Christian radio DJ. So he got all dressed up in black, trenchcoat, eyeliner, everything, and went down to the stadium. Where he argued at the Christians using bible verse that they were only driving people further away from the church with their smug righteousness and overbearing proselytization.
Over the course of the night, I collected a large wedge of Chick tracts. Manson was injured during the show, and had to cut it off early. Afterwards, a large group of Christians gathered around us.
“Why are you out so early? We thought it would go on for another hour, at least,” said one of the protestors.
“Manson got hurt, he couldn’t continue.”
The protesters cheered.
“What is wrong with you,” said Kat. “You’re rejoicing at another person’s pain. You’re happy because a man is bleeding. That’s not very Christian.”
They went quiet, and one of them apologized. We started to walk toward the car, and another protester caught up to us and gave me another tract.
“Don’t lose that,” she said.
“Don’t worry, I have a stack. It’ll be fine.”
“But that one has my number on it.”
At which point I had to keep Kat from kicking her ass.
@Chris:
Haha. That’s fantastic.
Those tracts are priceless, by the way. Just insane.
– c.
Kidding slightly aside, I have seen a shift in Catholicism since the new Pope took office (do they take office?). He’s a bit of an old-guard (let’s not forget he was the head of the Inquisition – yes, that Inquisition, it just changed name), and there have been some groups that have appeared to capitalize to various extremes on the very stalwart-of-the-faith edicts he has thrown on while wearing the pointy hat.
Isn’t this a little out-of-tune for the Catholics? Heavy recruitment doesn’t seem their gig, unless it’s during missionary trips abroad.
Obviously, your community isn’t predominantly white Irish where the Big Faith was Catholicism. And Roman Catholicism at that.
Mine was.
When I was in school, religion was a mandatory course, right alongside math, science and literature, up until high school when you got to (somewhat) choose your own schedule and course load. You could only opt out of these courses (and be summarily banished to the library) if you were on record as having a different family faith than RC. Which, in my class of 30, was about 4 kids.
Our schools were named things like St. Thomas of Villanova and Mary Queen of Peace and Holy Spirit High School. Perhaps not all of them, but a good 90% of them. The schools only became non-denominational when the school board restructured a year or so after I graduated… and I’m Class of ’99. Hell, I think one or two schools STILL have nuns and Jesuits on staff.
It’s a rather insular way to grow up, when you can look at someone and know that there’s a high probability that if they’re a) white and b) have a vaguely Irish-Scots sounding name, they’re probably c) Catholic.
It was subtle, it was omnipresent, but it was definitely recruitment. Things have changed in the last decade, so perhaps the younger generation (and Christ, don’t I feel old saying that) won’t bear the full brunt of Growing Up Catholic like I did.
I gave up Catholicism when I was around 13, ironically shortly after my Confirmation (which is a reaffirmation of one’s “maturity in Christ”), but the legacy of a Catholic society continued to haunt me right up to my senior year, when in my World Religions class I wrote a paper on Buddhism, and got asked quite bluntly by my teacher, “You don’t believe that crap, do you?”
I’m seeing Catholicism creep more and more in the Opus Dei, ahere-to-every-doctrinal-layer-in-the-2000-year-old-lasagna-or-die-outside-the-saving-grace-of-the-one-true-church direction, unfortunately. I used to be sorta Catholic — but they do got a lot of doctrine. I just don’t care if Mary was really a virgin, or if the Jesus is actually devine or whether the host is actually transubstantiated, and those are actually relative biggies to the Catholic pubbas — there’s a few billion other bits of doctrinal minutuae that, at least in my circles, the mackrel snapppers are becoming increasinly obsessed with. So I just figure be more or less decent to people and when you die things shake out the way they shake out.
@Dan:
Ultimately, that’s why I have a hard time getting behind religion personally — too much doctrinal absurdity and moral confusion. And, despite the Catholics in my family (and friends-of-family) being very pleasant people, some of them have had pretty mixed feelings with The Church as an entity.
– c.
Well, four hundred years ago a bunch of Jews came where I live, and they became Catholic, because even here, miles away from Iberia, Inquisition agentes were working. Because of that I was raised as a Catholic, and it was kind of ok. Of course, I cant just say ok to the doctrines and moral standarts they preach, but I go to church once a year, with the family.
About Catholics not being christians… thats nice. Theres a lot of pagan gods now called saints, like the irish Saint Brigitte (a celt goddess) or Saint George (Mithras). Thats just cool. Also, Christ is the central figure, and I can accept that, but, within him theres a lot of mediterranean pagan gods, mixed, we shall remember. Thats what I call Catholicism.
As a former devout Mormon (with family in the FLDS) I find all of this slip of paper conversion stuff to be utterly charming and quaint.
“Dear Anonymous: I care deeply for your soul, I suppose. Go to service and eat a cracker. Yer friend, Stranger McWhosville”
Lol!
@Rodrigo: I like your version.
@Stoney: Heh. You made me giggle and snort.
– c.
Amen, brother.
@Chuck: Thanks. Some time ago I just asked myself: There are pagan Jews today, so, why not pagan Catholics?
The Catholics trying to convert folks is a relatively new thing this side of the French Revolution, but totally old hat in general: the Counter Reformation (around 1550-1600′s) was the Catholic Church’s response to Martin Luther’s I-nail-my-beefs-to-yo-gate-like-I’m-taggin-my-turf fueled Protestant Reformation. And the Counter Reformation was ALL about bringing folks back to the loving arms of Mother Church at all costs, inspiring many of the outrageous works of art you see in the Baroque period. (And was responsible for finishing construction of the new St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome.) Italian artists may have hated Caravaggio, but the Church and the people loved him for paintings like “St. Paul” (http://tollelege.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/caravaggio_st_paul.jpg) and “The Calling of St. Matthew” (http://www.myfreewallpapers.net/artistic/pages/caravaggio-the-calling-of-saint-matthew.shtml).
I have no doubt that Pope Benedict would not only have no problem with more conversion attempts, but may be encouraging different parishes to go forth and multiply their congregations thusly.
Oh, and I’m right there with you on fundies of any stripe. I’m happily pagan, and have no beef with Christ or Buddha or Mohammed (pbuh), and know what “namaste” means, among other things. I’m also quite in awe of science and reason, and like to apply these principles whenever possible. So, I’m one of those weirdos who has room for both in my worldview, and love it when they do expressly overlap and confirm each other’s theories and beliefs. But that’s just me. Y’all do your own thing. (Y’hear me? GET OFFA MAH LAWN.) :p
@Elissa –
*applause*
At some point, I really need to do a post about how it’s ridiculous that science and religion — or even evolution and “intelligent design” — have to battle for supremacy and can’t manage to play well together.
– c.
Chuck, as a Muslim who has to deal with fundamentalists of every kind (pretty much all you’ve stated in your list), I have to say: You made my month.
Scratch that, you made my decade.
I used to get that sort of literature all the time. Not so much in West Philly. Go figure.
My favorite is one I carry everywhere I go. It’s a “Get Out Of Hell Free Card” designed after the Monopoly Get Out Of Jail card. I carry it, awaiting when I’m preached to. At which time, I present the card, and explain that I was given a free pass previously, so I won’t be needing their services.
Also: Notification button FTW. Great addition.
Also plus: You should do a blog post in regards to the Sarah Palin “retard” controversy. I’m curious your opinions on the use of such words.
David:
If you didn’t buy that, you should make them up and sell them. I’ll take a pack of 50, please.
The “retard” controversy is an interesting one. I have my opinions, but it may be wisest to keep them to myself.
(Oh, and Daniel Perez rec’ed the notification button.)
– c.
Every time I try to write anything about religion it turns into a rant. I’ve edited this post six times until my brain slapped me in the face and yelled “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” Therefore I have nothing of substance to add to this thread…except that my mother apparently lives in my brain. She used to be Catholic but converted to Lutheran so it’s relevant.
I never formally left the Catholic church, but I feel like it left me. I mean, in the same way that you don’t abandon your family because you don’t like your dad’s politics, I didn’t want to abandon the church over doctrines that weren’t (to me) the center of the experience. But I married a Lutheran and have been going to Lutheran church for close on ten years now I guess. I have to say, it’s really NICE to go to church and not hear anything that makes me want to tear my hair out. I’m losing hair naturally, and what I have left I keep buzzed.
-G.
Tom Robbins, of all people, has a rather fantastic way of talking about Religion in Skinny Legs and All. He compares organic, mystic traditions as a stream or pond with a healthy ecosystem. Then, he says, when it becomes too institutionalised, it’s more like a fish farm. Things can’t grow and be natural and breath.
I read that years ago, but you brought it back, a bit.
Me, I had Lutholic on one side and solid Anglican on the other, and yet was raised UU. Which, I have to say, was totally rad of my parents.