My Wife Just Leveled Up

Today is the ascension of my wife to a new state of being — a brand new plane of existence.

You can practically hear the “ding.”

Yes, that’s right. My wife has hit one of those milestone ages. Finally, finally, she’s turned “sweet sixteen.” Let the fun begin! She can get her driver’s license! Woo to the hoo.

(Lest the authorities be reading this, I assure you, I am not married to a 16-year-old girl. Though, if I lived in [YOUR LEAST FAVORITE STATE OF THE AMERICAN DEEP SOUTH], it’d be totally legal. And she could be my cousin or sister. Good times.)

So, in case you didn’t know, my wife is totally awesome.

Mmm. Booze.

First: my wife puts up with my shit. That’s a big one right there. I’m a jackass. You leave me to my own devices for more than eight hours, and you’ll find me nesting in a ring of dirty plates and napkins. My hair, matted with mud. Porn everywhere. Somewhere, the distant sound of raging chimpanzees. Even on a day-to-day basis, I got a lot of shit with which to put up. I forget things. I’m kind of a dick. I’m loud. It really can’t be fun for her.

A Perfect Pair

Second: my wife doesn’t put up with all my shit. As I’ve noted regarding us crazy-ass writers, you throw us a support rope, and we’ll hang ourselves with it. She supports me without supporting my stupid-ass bullshit.

Third: my wife has a foul mouth. Couple that with the fact I consider her both sublimely hot and stupidly hilarious (and only getting both hotter and funnier with each passing day), and you have my dream wife. One could even imagine that she is not human, but a Perfect Creation built in my basement, forged from the Stuff of Dreams (and also, mannequin parts).

The Well-Composed Wife

Fourth: I call her the “mongoose” for her ability to get on the phone and Straighten Shit Out. Bank? Magazine subscription? Fucked up dentist appointment? Taxes? Lawyer? Hostage negotiations? These are all the cobras that my wife, the mongoose, will destroy. Her teeth, their throats. Rippity-rip.

Fifth: I’m pretty sure she’s going to wake up soon, so I’d better hurry this the hell up. What I’m saying is, my wife’s a great editor. She reads my stuff, and tells me the God’s Honest Truth. And helps me track down those niggling little errors that stick out like hangnails or skin-tags.

Drunken Wife

Sixth: I think my wife might be an alcoholic. I mean, I’m looking at all these pictures, and boy, she’s one boozy broad. She’s an AKC-registered boozehound. I should’ve really seen the warning signs. Day in, day out, she’s slapping me in the face and yelling, “Get me another dirty martini, dickbag!” except it sounds more like, “Geh me anudder durdy mar, mar, teeny, diggbag,” and then she spills her drink and throws the empty glass at my head.

…okay, that’s not true. My wife is not a boozehound. Hell, in that one picture she’s drinking coffee.

Anyway, I’m going to finish this up because, really, I think she’s going to wake up soon. I would’ve done this yesterday, but, ta-da! Snowbound. Hence, she’s been here the whole time. Hard to be sneaky. I do have a day planned with Three Main Events (meant to pair up with the fact that Valentine’s Day is in two days; I try not to ever let it be that her birthday and that holiday blend together with that whole, “Here, I got you one gift!” problem).

So, if you all would do me a lovely favor, could you wish her a happy birthday here in the comments? I’d appreciate it. She’d appreciate it. She’s awesome, and if you like being here at terribleminds, you have her to thank, because she keeps me sane and wisely under lock-and-key.

Oh, and I would of course like to add:

To My Lovely, Kick-Ass Wife:

Happy Birthday

Love,

Your Dipshit Husband

41 comments

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE!!

    We have never met, but I went to college with your husband and I love anything he loves. That includes you Missy!

    Hope your day is happy & special and be sure to give Chuck lots of bonus points for the public display of love. Best wishes!
    Kris

  • Happy birthday, Magic Not-So-Boozing Patient Mongoo… alright, the nickname isn’t sticking for her as well as it did for you, Chuck. You must have an amazing wife – hell, you’d have to in order to not make the person flee in terror. Miss Wife, I hope you have a wonderful day and be sure to make Chuck pay for embarrassing you on the internet :)

  • I actually do know that your wife is totally awesome. Frankly, you haven’t been able to hide how hard you’re smitten.

    Yes, smitten.

    She really is quite hot as well. I say that in the way of one hot chick encountering another on the street and giving the secret nod that we have for each other, “Ah. You don’t have to work at it either. Good for you. Shhh.”

    Yeah, she smokes me.

    Happy Birthday!

  • February 12, 2010 at 9:39 AM // Reply

    Thanks very much to everyone for all the birthday wishes. This was such sweet surprise to start my day. Now we’re off to enjoy a day of birthday surprises all thanks to Chuck.

  • 1, I just heard trumpets sound for “Leveling Up,” and that’s a great way to start the day. And if your wife was allowed a tag right now for her achievement, I’d hope she’d pick Sugar Daddy so she could have all the things she’d like, like a Tesla Cannon or Cyborg parts.

    Or you know, a lovely weekend with her husband. Happy Birthday to your beautiful wife (and holy hell, her HAIR. That’s unfair, lady.)

  • This was an adorable post, but the thing that confuses me is that if you were snowed in wouldn’t you have had more time to work on it? ;)

    She does sound like an awesome lady. :D She puts up with you and your Chi-fox related shenanigans.

  • Happy birthday you gorgeous doll! :) n dont fret the milestone – you are just coming into your Full Womanly Powers – trust me ;) Chuck had better start taking his vitamins and hang onto his hat!

  • Happy birthday, hope it’s a good one! My husband also gets screwed on the V-day/birthday thing (his is on the 18th).

    In our case, I’m the crazy writer and he’s my patient hubby.

    How do you people put up with us? *LOL*

    Hope it’s a good mongoosey kind of day without any cobras to slay!

  • Happy Birthday Michelle!! Thanks for classing up the joint! Even though Chuck and I just reconnected after a long hiatus, I don’t even want to imagine a Michelle-less Chuck as his life would probably resemble a combination of Dexter and Dirty Jobs…. Enjoy your day!

    • All of you kick ass. Taking a momentary break out of Birthdaypalooza 2010 to tell you how awesome every last one of you happens to be.

      High-five.

      Now, wading back into it.

      – c.

      • (Also, I wonder: how long before “hot wife” is a search vector for people finding this site? I give it 24 hours. Sometimes, when I post a picture of Michelle on Flickr, I eventually get a flood of views from people searching for “hot wife” or “dirty wife” or whatever.)

  • wow, this was one of the nicest things i ever read. you guys rock. chuck, you have made hallmark look even crappier than usual.
    happy sweet 16 to michelle and a fun valentiney weekend to both of yous.

  • I think I speak on behalf of the many, many people that Chuck might have machine-gunned had his sanity been any less undergirt by a loving wife when I say “Many Happy Returns.”

    -G.

  • Happy birthday, Michelle! We haven’t met, but, I, too, went to QC with Chuck decades ago.

    The mongoose part had me dying laughing!! That attribute is actually my secret weapon, too! Works like a charm every time.

  • Thanks again to everyone for all the birthday wishes. After a successful birthday I’m going to retire to the loving embrace of an extra dirty martini erm, I mean husband, the loving embrace of my husband with extra olives. Thanks also to all of you for your comments on Terribleminds. You keep Chuck out of trouble while I’m at work and for that I thank you.

  • Hey…I’m a day late but wanted to send a happy birthday!!!! with extra exclamation points!!!! your way. Hope it is lovely!

  • Hey just looking up … “how much shit does a wife have to put up with” and i find this… it was sooo cute i had to keep reading…. wish full thinking in that i would just love for my husband to sit down and write or even say some thing… nice… or sweet…
    he would of course .. but i would have to ask him to do it…lol
    Any ways Michelle, I hope you had a great birthday…
    May God bless youself and you husband…
    those kind words are special. keeping it real is also important i think….
    oh and did your husband write the
    100 ways to love your wife…???/

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