“Penis,” by Eddy Webb

This is part of a series of blog posts cranked out by my adoring proselytes — erm, I mean, faithful readers. I’m in Utah (er, presumably — maybe the plane crashed, or maybe I was forced into white sexual slavery somewhere in Dubai), so the task of entertaining you froth-mouthed moppets falls to others.

Today’s post is by Eddy Webb.

So, Chuck asked me to write a blog entry for him. Well, he asked everyone, and I said I would, but I said that if he didn’t give me a topic I would write about his nutsack. So he said “Oh yeah, well then you’re going to write about genitals, smart ass.” I could have written about writing advice or reviewed a video game or maybe even made a roleplaying game in the space of 24 hours, but Chuck demands nuts, so that’s what he’s getting.

Except that you’re getting it, too. So, in a way, I’m hurting all of you to get back at Chuck. Sorry about that. Hope I didn’t get any on you.

I actually decided to talk a little bit about the language of genitalia – how a set of dangly bits have inspired a variety of colorful terms over the centuries. In my research for this post (yes, I did research, shut up), I found over twenty pages of terms. That’s a lot of dick (which, incidentally, is derived from the Arabic work “deek,” which means “rooster” – cock-a-doodle doo).

So, here are five different categories of my favorite slang terms for the old cock and balls.

Improbable Weaponry

I mean, really? Who would use a pork sword, meat staff, or a spam javelin in any realistic military scenario? They would be all floppy, and certainly can’t hold a point. And would you want to be armed with a blue-veined custard chucker? What kind of ammunition does a “love gun” or a “pump-action yogurt gun” use, anyhow?

Then there’s a whole class of missiles and rockets: lap rocket, love missile, pocket rocket, fur-seeking meat missile, red rocket, heat-seeking moisture missile, moisture-seeking gristle missile, and the U.S.-funded Non-Directional Radar-Guided Vagina Finder (NDRGVF). Although, in my opinion, if something is pinging in your pants, you might want to see a doctor.

The Color Purple

I may have just ruined Chuck’s chances to be in Oprah’s book club. Oprah, if you’re reading this and you’re looking for my books to boycott, my name is spelled “David Hill.”

Anyhow, I think you can probably add the word “purple” to any noun to make it into a euphamism. Sure, there’s purple fist, purple warrior, purple mushroom, and purple katana. You can add “headed” to throw in “purple-headed monster,” “purple-headed warrior,” and “purple-headed womb-ferret.”

But what about “purple truck?” “Purple can?” “Purple Ikea table?” It probably breaks down when you try to call your penis “purple rain.” Unless you’re Prince. Then you can call it anything you damn well like.

Military Personnel

You can have an entire army in your pants, from Private Johnson to General Richard. But it does seem that your dangly bits will gravitate toward the rank of Captain. Captain Candy, Captain Catalan, Captain Cook, Captain Hook, Captain Kid, Captain Kirk, Captain Penis McPenis (of the clan McPenis), Captain Picard, Captain Planet, and Captain Slappy all count in the ranks of notable fake captains, alongside such military masterminds as Captain Crunch and Captain Kangaroo.

It can get ridiculous, though, like “Sergeant Beefy McManmeat of the 33rd erectile division.” I mean, when your penis needs a business card more than you do, either you’re doing it wrong or you’re doing it really, really well. Just hope that he doesn’t pull the trigger too early on his NDRGVF.

Cyclopian Creatures

Hail the cyclops, good old One-Eye. Sure, there’s the infamous One-Eyed Willie and his partner, One-Eyes Johnson, but there are a number of other monocular entities in the world of penis names. One-eyed monster, one-eyed trouser snake, one-eyes Alabama Black snake, one-eyed wonder weasel, and the one-eyed wiggling welshman. (To be fair, if I had my eye gouged out in Wales, I’d probably wiggle a bit as well.) But why stop there? What about “one-eyed polecat,” “one-eyed penguin farmer,” or even “one-eyed Oprah Winfrey?”

Man, I cannot wait to see the search data on this post.