“Penis,” by Eddy Webb

This is part of a series of blog posts cranked out by my adoring proselytes — erm, I mean, faithful readers. I’m in Utah (er, presumably — maybe the plane crashed, or maybe I was forced into white sexual slavery somewhere in Dubai), so the task of entertaining you froth-mouthed moppets falls to others.

Today’s post is by Eddy Webb.

So, Chuck asked me to write a blog entry for him. Well, he asked everyone, and I said I would, but I said that if he didn’t give me a topic I would write about his nutsack. So he said “Oh yeah, well then you’re going to write about genitals, smart ass.” I could have written about writing advice or reviewed a video game or maybe even made a roleplaying game in the space of 24 hours, but Chuck demands nuts, so that’s what he’s getting.

Except that you’re getting it, too. So, in a way, I’m hurting all of you to get back at Chuck. Sorry about that. Hope I didn’t get any on you.

I actually decided to talk a little bit about the language of genitalia – how a set of dangly bits have inspired a variety of colorful terms over the centuries. In my research for this post (yes, I did research, shut up), I found over twenty pages of terms. That’s a lot of dick (which, incidentally, is derived from the Arabic work “deek,” which means “rooster” – cock-a-doodle doo).

So, here are five different categories of my favorite slang terms for the old cock and balls.

Improbable Weaponry

I mean, really? Who would use a pork sword, meat staff, or a spam javelin in any realistic military scenario? They would be all floppy, and certainly can’t hold a point. And would you want to be armed with a blue-veined custard chucker? What kind of ammunition does a “love gun” or a “pump-action yogurt gun” use, anyhow?

Then there’s a whole class of missiles and rockets: lap rocket, love missile, pocket rocket, fur-seeking meat missile, red rocket, heat-seeking moisture missile, moisture-seeking gristle missile, and the U.S.-funded Non-Directional Radar-Guided Vagina Finder (NDRGVF). Although, in my opinion, if something is pinging in your pants, you might want to see a doctor.

The Color Purple

I may have just ruined Chuck’s chances to be in Oprah’s book club. Oprah, if you’re reading this and you’re looking for my books to boycott, my name is spelled “David Hill.”

Anyhow, I think you can probably add the word “purple” to any noun to make it into a euphamism. Sure, there’s purple fist, purple warrior, purple mushroom, and purple katana. You can add “headed” to throw in “purple-headed monster,” “purple-headed warrior,” and “purple-headed womb-ferret.”

But what about “purple truck?” “Purple can?” “Purple Ikea table?” It probably breaks down when you try to call your penis “purple rain.” Unless you’re Prince. Then you can call it anything you damn well like.

Military Personnel

You can have an entire army in your pants, from Private Johnson to General Richard. But it does seem that your dangly bits will gravitate toward the rank of Captain. Captain Candy, Captain Catalan, Captain Cook, Captain Hook, Captain Kid, Captain Kirk, Captain Penis McPenis (of the clan McPenis), Captain Picard, Captain Planet, and Captain Slappy all count in the ranks of notable fake captains, alongside such military masterminds as Captain Crunch and Captain Kangaroo.

It can get ridiculous, though, like “Sergeant Beefy McManmeat of the 33rd erectile division.” I mean, when your penis needs a business card more than you do, either you’re doing it wrong or you’re doing it really, really well. Just hope that he doesn’t pull the trigger too early on his NDRGVF.

Cyclopian Creatures

Hail the cyclops, good old One-Eye. Sure, there’s the infamous One-Eyed Willie and his partner, One-Eyes Johnson, but there are a number of other monocular entities in the world of penis names. One-eyed monster, one-eyed trouser snake, one-eyes Alabama Black snake, one-eyed wonder weasel, and the one-eyed wiggling welshman. (To be fair, if I had my eye gouged out in Wales, I’d probably wiggle a bit as well.) But why stop there? What about “one-eyed polecat,” “one-eyed penguin farmer,” or even “one-eyed Oprah Winfrey?”

Man, I cannot wait to see the search data on this post.

22 comments

  • I am SORELY disappointed to see no mention of the African disappearing penises… Which I will note I spent HOURS reading about after you mentioned it once in passing. Damn you Eddy.

    Oh and Oprah, if you’re still reading that’s “David A Hill Jr.” I just want you to boycott the right person so I can come on your show to ‘confront’ you about it. (Which will basically result in me kissing your ass in hopes of getting a new car or something.)

  • “Man, I cannot wait to see the search data on this post.”

    I really do hope Chuck does a post on the search data effects our posts have on his blog at the end of all this. I think the results would be hysterical, particularly with efforts like yours!

  • The last section of the post appears to be missing. I’ll try to cram it in here:

    What the Fuck?

    And then, there’s the just utterly weird. These are terms I’ve actually run across, either in conversation or on the Internet.

    • Angry Samoan: Why is he angry? Is he angry because he’s been named after a penis?

    • Denture cleaner: I’d like to point out that there’s nothing about a penis that will help keep your dentures cleaned.

    • Elvis: What about your penis reminds you of a fat dead guy on a toilet?

    • F.D.R. and The New Deal: Wait, your penis has to live in a cardboard box? (Well, in these economic times, maybe that’s possible.)

    • Father Christmas: Now all I can think of is a little kid sitting on Santa’s lap when he has a massive erection. Thank you, Internet. Thank you so fucking much.

    • Matthew Smith: And now all I can think of is a little kid sitting on Doctor Who’s lap.

    • Pink Darth Vader: This is just getting retarded.

    • Samurai’s backup: So if he tries to commit suicide with his sword and fails, he can use his penis instead. Maybe by choking on it.

    • Yoni feeder: What the fuck is a yoni?

    The moral of the story? Chuck shouldn’t let other people write in his blog.

    Penis.

  • Filamena: That would be a whole different blog post (and, admittedly, much less funny). That’s a fascinating concept for me, but outside the scope of “silly things to call your wang.”

    (Man, forgot “faux-Asian names.” Ah well.)

    Heather: That would be amazing!

    Scionical: Thanks! I tried to write this in Chuck’s style (if you can call an endless parade of profane images a “style”), and I’m glad it amused. :)

  • Yoni is sanskrit (I think) term for a vagina. A lot of crunchy-hippy types prefer the word to vagina because it vagina’s Latin meaning is ‘sheeth’ and I guess it’s unfeminist to refer to your sex parts in a way that implies it’s job is to hold something. (Even if it is.) My first midwife kept referring to my yoni, which somehow sounded way dirtier.

    Yonic is a term used when describing vaginal symbolisim in writing. Yanno, like caves and shit.

  • Here’s another one… a friend of mine used to refer to it as “Seymour” – when I asked why, he responded, “Cause I want women to see more of him.”

  • This puts a whole new spin on “one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater.”

    Look! up in the sky! It’s a Second Life penis!

  • Tinuval: [groan] That’s TERRIBLE.

    Elissa: That’s Captain Second Life penis to you.

    Scionical: Everybody loves dick!

    Ed Healy: I live to serve. Or at least, I live to make Chuck’s SEO data explode.

  • Wow. This was quite educational. lol. Had not heard ‘purple’ used in this exact context before. But I am a big bowl of naive. lol. (Online gamer friends live to educate me in all sorts of terms. lol.)

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