The Thirteen Madmen Have Been Chosen

I have chosen the madmen.

Er, and madladies — I don’t mean to be sexist by using the term “madmen,” it’s just, shit, “madmen” sounds better than “madwomen” or “madladies.”

“Madchicks” sounds kind of cool, though.

There’s always the portmanteau, “Madgina,” though. “As in, she’s one mad vagina.” But then, for parity’s sake, you should really call crazy dudes “madcocks,” which actually sounds pretty good, too.

Where as I?

Oh, right, right. I’ve selected the crazies.

In fact, I’ve selected thirteen of you. Yes, I said I would select ten, but suck it. This is my asylum. I can wipe my fluids anywhere I choose.

The logic behind “more than 10” is that some of you are probably going to have extenuating circumstances that stop you from being able to do this, and those extenuating circumstances might be, “You fall asleep on the couch with your jam-covered hands down your pants and forget this whole thing ever existed.”

I was originally going with 12, but let’s be honest, 13 is a much badder-ass number. Now, should all 13 of you actually do as This Madness demands, well, hey, fine. I’ll still use your posts in the week following my return from Ootini-tah (where Jawas dance in the sun).

And, let me also go ahead and define the word “select.”

I didn’t select all of you.

I selected some of you. Five, actually.

The rest, I left to random fate.

Fate that may have included a hat with names. Fate that may have included powerful hallucinogens and a trio of swamp witches who become jaguars. Fate that may have involved the oily feathers of a fat crow. Fate that may have included a man-shaped target and a series of 9mm bullets with names scratched into the shells. Fate that may have included the prodigious intestines of an emu.

Around 30 entered, so the fact that you were not chosen By Hand or By Fate should not trouble you. It’s not like you’re the one kid nobody picked for gym class. You simply overwhelmed the perimeter. The good news is, methinks I’m going to do this again at some point soon because it’s fun, and because it allows me to hibernate. But if you weren’t chosen, don’t think it’s a personal thing, kay? Kay. Fate is a callous bitch. Her pimp hand is strong, and I don’t control it.

The below peeps owe me a blog post.

I need it when I wake up next Thursday morning, which is, ohhh, around 5:45AM.

Send it to me at chuckwendig[at]terribleminds[dot]com. Paste it into the body of the mail. No attachments, or you’ll make Baby Jesus sick with smallpox.

Between 500 words and 1500 words, preferably.

And now, I give you: The Thirteen Madmen!

Jeff Tidball

Topic: None!

I wouldn’t dare give Jeff Tidball a topic, because he’ll shank me in the gills with a box cutter and leave me bleeding out on an icy sidewalk in a posh neighborhood. Because that’s how he do. By the way, have you been to The Tidball’s new website? It’s the cat’s meow, it is.

Amy K. Nichols

Topic: Ew!

Amy said (paraphrasing), “I can gross the unholy shit out of you with this story,” and that’s a challenge here at Terribleminds. Let’s see it.

Rick Carroll

Topic: Why Modern Cartoons Suck

Rick wants to talk about modern cartoons and how they eat a dick or something? I dunno. I trust Rick to fill it with vileness and insanity.


Topic: Your Favorite Profanity

Stoney — Laura Stone — referenced profanity, and it is a subject near and dear to my heart. I love profanity. I do. People say some bullshit about how profanity is for the non-creative, but that bullshit is bullshit. Um. Shut up. Point is, I love creative uses of profanity, and so does this lass, methinks. Hence, it’s the topic.


Topic: The Most Delicious Thing You Ever Ate, And You Ever Made

Yes, that’s two topics rolled into one! I can do that, for am the overseer of this mad realm. I figure it’ll actually be easy for Heather, since Heather here reviews a great many cookbooks at her site. So, tastiest thing you’ve ever eaten that someone else made, and tastiest thing you’ve ever made? Chop-chop! Huzzah.

Eddy Webb

Topic: Genitals

I figure Eddy’s going to talk about balls. Mine, his, I dunno. I mean, he doesn’t have to or anything. He can do what he wants. He’s Eddy Webb — the rebooted Spiderman.

Pete Woodworth

Topic: Nondestruction of the English Language Through Electronic Media

I dunno, Pete just used a lot of big words as his topic, and I frankly can’t parse that. I can handle one or two big words together, and after that, I pretty much piss my pants and fall asleep. Still, he wants to wow you with his brilliance, hey, here’s his chance.

Guy LeCharles Gonzalez

Topic: The Future Of The Blog

Let’s be honest, here’s another guy who’s way too smart for this blog. He’s slumming it by even being here. I figure Guy can class up this place with some Big Thinking. I figure that one day, the very notion of a blog will have adapted wildly to changing technologies and social behaviors. So, what will the blog look like in 10 years? In 50? IN A BILLION YEARS WHEN DINOSAURS RULE ONCE MORE AND — erm, okay, it doesn’t have to go that far, but you get the point. Guy talks about lots of smart things over at his site, by the way.

Josh Loomis

Topic: How To Choose The Project

I got a personal topic for Josh. Over at his site, Josh talks about his potential projects, his WIPs. I want Josh to pick a project he’s going to go with, and I want the blog post to talk about how and why he made the pick. Josh doesn’t actually have to commit to the project after that — I mean, there’s nothing legally binding. But it’s a thought exercise for him, and for you all to see.

Julie Summerell

Topic: Your Favorite Profanity

I know. We did this topic already. And I don’t care. I love profanity. And both Julie and Stoney referenced profanity in their “chapeau-throws,” so I’d like to get two different viewpoints on the joys of creative profanity. This is certainly the place to let fly with such vulgarity and vileness. Let fly, ladies. (Also, let’s be clear — women using profanity is the bee’s motherfuckin’ knees.)

Paul DeLaurentis

Topic: Video Games

Paul actually gave me a hint of his topic over email, and it’s an interesting companion piece to Rick’s Why Modern Cartoons Suck. So, take it away, Paulie D.

Aaron Dembski-Bowden

Topic: None!

I wouldn’t dare to pin Aaron down, because he’s dangerous. He’ll crack open your breastbone with a headbutt from that shorn skull of his, and then he’ll use his surly jaw to eat your heart. I’ve seen him do it five times. You can probably find the videos on Youtube. Anyway, the last time I did this contest was like, a billion years ago, and I think I had… I dunno, three takers or something. Aaron was one of them, and his entry to this day still makes me laugh like an asshole.

David Hill

Topic: Ten Things That Are Awesome Right Now

Let’s be honest. David’s an angry dude. He’s often surly about something. And you can’t blame him, because there’s a lot of dumb shit going on. I get it. Still, from time to time we all gotta flip the switch and see the awesome shit, and so I’m tasking David with picking ten things that are awesome right now — like, on the cusp of 2010, what is he really geeked about? Personal life, professional life, pop culture, things that are happening soon, things that have just happened, things that are ongoing, whatever.