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Man, “blog juice” sounds like a euphemism for bile or something. Our one dog loves to drink deeply and sloppily from the water bowl once in a while, gorging himself on so much water that he walks away and, 30 seconds later, disgorges what is essentially “water vomit” onto the floor. One might refer to this clear, viscous goo as “blog juice.”
Moving on.
So, somewhere along the way, this blog became at least 50% a “writing advice” device. It’s astounding that you people listen to me, because man oh man, I am a giant baby-headed dipshit. I barely know which hole in the t-shirt my head should go through much less how to conjugate a verb or write a compelling protagonist. And yet, the vague, uncertain democracy of the Internet has spoken. You addlepated deviants haven’t yet caught onto the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about and that whenever I rock the writing advice, I do so usually to help myself work through a conundrum, further implying that this blog exists only for my selfish whims.
What that means is, in 2010, I’m going to keep spewing my fake truth!
Get excited.
Now, I’ve got like, maybe a dozen future writing topics hastily sketched out. Subjects may or may not include protagonists, time management, publication, editing, the shape of narrative, killing your darlings, and so on and so forth.
But those topics won’t get me through a year’s worth of writing chatter.
Sure, I can make stuff up as I go. It’s what I do. Writers make shit up.
In a perfect world, though, I’m tailoring some of these writing topics to your needs instead of my own petty whims and foul urges.
Hence, I’m politely asking you to step up to the plate and tell me what writing or writing-related subjects you find pressing. Give me a subject, and I’ll yammer on endlessly about that subject. Because that’s how I do.
Oh, and “politely asking” means, if you don’t disgorge writing topics in much the same way that my dog disgorges his own H20 blog juice, I’m going to come to your house and do terrible things.
I’ll defecate in your oven. I’ll throw your remote controls in the blender. I’ll gently teabag you while you sleep. I’ll change your voter registration. I’ll fill your fish tank with grape soda. I’ll leave behind a dozen squalling infants, for which you will be legally responsible, because I’ll yell “Not It!” before I run out the door — and that shit will hold up in court. I’ll kill your plants be peeing on them. I’ll eat all your delicious food and replace it with exact replicas made of wax and plastic. I’ll convince your loved ones to join a cult and together we’ll build an altar to 1980s sitcom characters in your living room. I’ll delete your porn. I’ll steal your nose and use it for diabolical purposes. I’ll loose a starving wildebeest into your bedroom closet. I’ll run your coffee beans through the bowels of a Persian cat with feline gonorrhea and then brew you a hot, fresh cup just before you awaken. I’ll live in your fridge. I’ll kill a man dressed as Santa with one of your own steak knives and leave him in the chimney to rot. I’ll hack the power grid with your personal PC and then send Photoshopped pictures of you pooping in George Washington’s mouth to the FBI’s cybercrime division. I’ll rub my junk on all your favorite things and foods. I’ll lick your spoons after I eat a big bucket of cottage cheese. I will fill your car with squirrels. I will fill your toilet tank with hermit crabs. I will fill your nightstand drawer with my seed.
See? Politely asking.
So, get to gettin’ — right now, toss me ideas. Writing topics, I guess, though if you’re hellbound to hear about other shit, I can do that, too.
Don’t make me come over your house.
Don’t make me.
About The Author
ChuckWendig
Chuck Wendig is equal parts novelist, screenwriter, and game designer. He is the author of the novels DOUBLE DEAD, BLACKBIRDS, and MOCKINGBIRD. In addition, he's got a metric boatload of writing-related e-books available, including the popular 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER. He currently lives in the wilds of Pennsyltucky with wife, dog, and newborn progeny.
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56 Responses and Counting...
Damnit, is it “Tellchuckwhattodo Day” again? Surely you can’t have gone through everything already? (And don’t call me Shirley.)
Let’s see, things I’d like to see more on:
Dialogue (You like to talk, after all!)
Character Backgrounds
Suspense and setting up antici…
…pation.
Looking forward to the new year of posts and comments; I find the comments just as interesting, entertaining, and thoughful as the blog many times over.
The first two: rock.
The latter — suspense. Well, it’s a topic near and dear to my own heart, but gander at my earlier suspense post –
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2009/10/19/your-bowels-will-turn-to-ice-water/
And tell me what’s missing.
Thanks, Rickman.
That’s your new name. I’m calling you Rickman.
– c.
You know that post I made over at my place yesterday, about stories actually being about something rather than a shoddy vehicle for explosions and tits? I’d like to hear your advice on that.
And if you want to talk about explosions and tits, that’s cool too.
I dunno how I forgot about this post (I even commented there – see?). I attribute it to a lack of smarts and an overabundance of MMO’s. Seriously, “communicating” with people in those games will rot your bone-box.
That’s sums it up, Magic Talking Beardhead and had exactly something I was looking into explained better. My fangy vagina story is almost ready (though I’ve dropped the erotica bit. Story just wasn’t working that way, the overt sex was a distraction. Now it is rocking.)
(Josh’s post — for reference)
http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/2010/01/05/whats-it-all-about-then/
Diggit. Can do!
Divine penises.
I’ve already written about divine penises — and, similarly, sacred vaginas.
Just not here, silly.
SOON.
– c.
I’ll second the dialogue vote.
I’d like to see another post on doing descriptions. Probably later in the year, to see if any more insights hit your brainmeats.
Any thoughts on the legal side of writing? Copyright, copyleft, creative commons, piracy, etc.?
Another vote for dialogue, but also the subject of “voice” in general. I know it when I see it, but I still can’t do it.
Daniel:
Cool. Voice as in “character voice,” or “authorial voice?”
– c.
One small, one big: (1) Coming up with titles; (2) RE-writing.
Oooh, titles. That’s a good one.
Re-writing. I can chat that up — anything in particular about re-writing?
– c.
Another vote for dialogue.
I’d also like to see more on conflict and character development – pretty please.
“Dialogue” as topic is earning a big fat bag of votes. Good stuff.
Character development, sure.
Conflict, though — what specifically about conflict?
– c.
Stealing Stuff Without Being Obvious
How To Tell If You Suck
Saving The Cat, Kicking The Dog and Other Reasons to Give a Shit
More Fewer Words
Shit You Don’t Need To Write
Edit Your Own Shit
Not Being a Shit when Someone Else Edits Your Shit
Writing Books That Don’t Suck Ass
How To Talk About What Sucks Without Sounding Like a Dick
Rob:
I love all of those.
Will you marry me?
– c.
I can think of two women who might object, and my wood chipper is only big enough for one.
Points to Rob for making me almost vomit green tea out of my nose.
– c.
Anyone else think we should give them some space to hug this out?
Awkward.
(Can I watch?)
How about a judo-flip on this very post: write about what you want to see other people write about — in general and in specific. Name names if you want. Throw down a gauntlet.
Dialogue between characters has always been very tough for me to put on paper. It ends up looking like I, as the writer, am a mediator between them. Drives me nuts. I’d like to be able to write a conversation that looks natural but doesn’t confuse the hell out of the reader.
Also I’d like the power to control people with the words I write. You know, physically take control of their minds and have them do my bidding. You have advice for stuff like that, right???
Paul:
I made you write that comment, so YOU TELL ME.
Moo hoo ha ha.
– c.
Fred:
That’s awesomely weird. You threw down the gauntlet for me to throw down the gauntlet.
I’ll do that very thing. Hrrm.
– c.
Ooooh, yes, titles.
Also, how to develop a thick skin to stand the biz, how to let go of inhibitions and write what scares us, and how to deal with narcissists (not referring to anyone on this site).
*feels suddenly exposed*
Amy:
All good stuff! Filed away in my brainlocker!
– c.
How to make more vivid Scenery in your writings
Cliches: When they are appropriate, and when they get annoying
Humor. I must admit, I tried to be funny or witty with this one but I failed.
Desert Eagles and Katanas: How to make an interesting character without falling on stereotypes?
That work?
*chainsaws you to the face*
Conflict…how to bring it in subtly and string it along throughout the reading – teasing the reader with it…slowly but surely building on it, faster and harder, bringing it to its CLIMACTIC ending which leaves everyone BEGGING for MORE conflict pounding and climactic surges..oh..er..sorry…got carried away there…
*takes a cold shower*
Whoa. You have a brain locker? How many brains you got in there?
Three. With room for a child’s brain, should I find one lying around.
*crack knuckles* This has been bothering me for a bit and not sure what to do about it. I’ve reached a place in my writing, but want to go higher. Any ideas on how to do that? I know some pros but we’re not like ‘friend-friends’ and would hate to impose. (Some of them have no time to do what they do now!) Belong to a writer’s group but not sure I am getting what I need from it. I can BE better. Want to BE BETTER. But how do I do that? (HAH! Let’s see what you do with that. Hee! Now you can’t pee at my house and defile my things. And no teabagging just cause you can, dude! Held up my end!)
Add that to the blog topics. Three brains in locker with room for one more. Definitely want more of that.
Gloria: cool, can do. Your house is safe from my pox.
Can’t help you. I’m hoarding ideas for myself these days. I’m probably even stealing ideas from this comments thread, but how would you know? I mean… er… shut up.
The pros and cons to writing to a very specific niche.
Ala: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
A silly deviation — was Pride and Prejudice and Zombies really a work-for-hire job? Anybody know? I forget where I heard that.
David — certainly a good question, though I dunno if I can do it justice, as I’m not sure of any micro-niches that I’ve worked in. (Although, one might argue every book is its own micro-niche ecology?)
– c.
How about something to help the ‘non writers’ get some insight into the writers’ brain? How is writing by choice/compulsion different from what we all did in school? What kind of things can we do to make our writing loved ones feel supported in their work? What do us unlettered folks do that is crazy making to you wordsmiths?
Oh yeah and you can think of waaaay too many terrible things to do at my house – i want my key back!
Definitely authorial voice. Mostly relevant for me when I’m writing instructional text for a game. Character voice is useful, too, but not something I’m really pursuing seriously.
Hmmmm….Personally, I think you should have some of our agency cousins on for a party. That will involve lots of food throwing and name calling. I also think that some thoughts on how to make three dimensional characters might be fun. I’d love to hear your take on how to make characters more than stereotypes and cookie cutter, real character wannabes. You might also talk about how you landed your agent and do a monthly update on where you are in your writing process…or what ten steps you might be on at any given time.
Dialogue & _dialect_. How to make characters sound different without making them sound like cliches. (or, “I know it when I read it…but I when I write it, it all seems cliche”)
Structure. (Applying a spine / outline / gut feeling, roadmap, whatever, to things other than screenplays. And also, screenplays).
How to edit other people’s work. (Too meta?)
What the hell should Jesse use his blog for (wait, that’s for me to figure out, not you).
Best Practices of Writing Collectives (or, “Is Jetpack doing for you what you think it’s doing;” strengths & weaknesses, etc.)
Ways to market yourself.
How to translate “being the funny/sarcastic/deadpan” guy in the room to being that dude on the page.
Writing sex. Sexy writing.
(echoing some of the other great suggestions, but so it goes)
Endings.
Research– how much? when? where?
World Building– how much? when? where? (Because I’ll be stealing your ideas for another project I’m working on.)
I’d love to hear you chime in on genre and subgenres. (David thinks Steampunk isn’t a valid micro genre, for instance. I think he’s a tosser.)
Do you work on one project at a time, or many, and how do you manage either?
Dealing with writer’s remorse. (I finished, now it sucks and I want to die.)
Clean, clear, words. How to be unpurple.
Semicolons.
Dashes. (No, I’m not kidding on either count.)
You can talk about writers you like and why you like them. Plus more book reviews.
More on pop culture. I always want more of that from you. Especially stuff like when does pop become classic and does it have anything to do with Coca Cola. That sort of thing.
There, now stop leaving mewling infants in my house. (You are where babies come from, right? Because that’s what I’ve been telling Tina.)
Timing. No, not comedic timing or story pacing (although maybe there is also an idea in that) but how to use time in writing. Not tense, but how to skip forward and backward into a [not necessarily time-travel related] story without being jerky, or, well, a jerk.
How to write from an ending backwards. (“I know what I want to say, but I need to start the journey.”)
How to write that “it was only a dream” sequence without making the reader want to scream.
The line between subtle and lost on the audience entirely.
Note on Filamena: I think it’s valid. I just think that it’s a genre that’s less literary than aesthetic/fashion. On modern steampunk kids, the goggles came before the novels. Yes, there were novels way long ago, but I don’t really think the goggle and transistor kids modding their keyboards really read that stuff.
I’d like to see talk on dialogue/dialect, as mentioned by Jesse. For some reason, I can’t stand almost any dialect in what I read. If I see the “g” in “ing” replaced with an apostrophy, it feels forced to me. It’s similar to over-describing a character. I’m reading the story, I should be able to give the voice. But that’s just my thought.
Holy crap, people. You have given me blog ideas for the next 10 years. Jeebus Cripplemas.
It’s funny, Filamena, that a number of your ideas are ones I do have in the hopper — research, semi-colons and dashes (which go neatly in Chuck’s own personal folder of “killing his own darlings”), and the writers I like (“my writer totem spirits”). Oh, and time management (juggling projects).
But others, good stuff.
Not sure on where to go with “writer’s remorse,” but that might go into a larger post about a writer’s mental health.
Steampunk is… I guess a valid micro-genre? It feels almost like a fusion of fantasy and sci-fi. As David notes, it’s partly aesthetics, but there is an ethos that goes behind that. It marries weird ideas of Colonialism, retro-futurism, industrial ramifications, and the like. I think it’s a bit overdone, but good is good, and bad is bad, regardless of genre.
And I am where babies come from.
Just don’t tell David. Shhhh.
– c.
You are? God damnit Chuck, come get your devil spawn out of my house. They are loud, smell bad, and want food like… I don’t know, multiple times a day. They have their cute moments, but all in all I think I’d be happier if you only released them on my reality when they are being cute.
Secondly, hands off my wife!
Also, boobs.
Working in a serial format.
All I have to offer is that I can’t win for losing. Figure I won’t screw your stats, and I’ll read this while both kids are asleep. Laugh riotously. ALMOST woke them up.
You suck, dude.
On the topic of More Fewer Words: Editing. Specifically, how to be honest with yourself about how one might be stuffing one’s writing like a Thanksgiving turkey and all it is is empty calories. How much editing do you do? I am always curious about this particularly in blogspace, where I often think people do none. None editing. And it drives me crazy. And I am often guilty.
Excellent, Kim — will do.
I edit the blog here. I don’t edit it like I edit my fiction, because if I did, you’d never see blog posts in a timely fashion. The blog also has an “everything but the kitchen sink” approach, whereas I strive to make my fiction (or any pro writing work) far cleaner.
– c.
Another vote for all the editing comments.
Genres and the Donkeys who love them
Fiction is from Mars, Gaming Books are from Uranus: The difference between writing each type of book.
I do not fear your threats.
I’m just too far away. Too, TOO far. You would never get here. You’re mighty indeed, but the Amazon (sans dot com) would ABSORB you to the point you’d need to shit all your guts into some giant-sized tree trunk and there’d be no f(ec)oul[*] matter to be deposited at my doorstep.
But still, I was listening to some music while going home from work and your rightful demands came to mind, so here’s some suggestions. No, I’m not afraid of you. It’s just a supposedly witty thought exercise. Really. I swear.
I wanna live on an abstract plain (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGWzmfEp9Ug) – how to balance abstract thoughts with action in a narrative, maybe?
Fingers become thumbs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27AFgf-Axo0) – How NOT to write yourself to (physical and/or mental) exhaustion?
True stories (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRXGFcsrMg&feature=fvst) – How much of the writer goes into the writing, and when it should be obvious?
Hope those helps. You know, just in case you can fling poo a continent over.
[*] See what I did there? See? See? If not, I can always pull the not-a-native-speaker cop-out card.
Here’s a couple:
-Homageville State Prison-How do you balance influences as a writer and the inevitable desire we all have to sneak little nods to them in with making sure the story is coherent and original?
-How do you hold back? When should you? When I was at University a friend of mine joked about how I worked everyone I knew and situations I was in into stories.
This resulted me in drawing basically nothing from real life for the next ten years.
Seriously.
So, how do you self censor? Should you?
Any use?
[...] back when, when I demanded that you people give me blog ideas (lest I do terrible things to your house and home), I got a metric colon-load of ideas and questions. I’m going to start rattling off those one [...]
[...] Yes. Absolutely. In fact, Filamena asked a question: “Do you work on one project at a time, or many, and how do you manage [...]
[...] when Justin Jacobson says that he’d like me to talk about “coming up with titles,” I cannot help but feel a flutter of panic inside my [...]