Avatar Porn Will Destroy Us All

Theory: we know that a property has entered the pop culture consciousness when pornography is made in its image.

Examples: Pulp Friction, Forrest Hump, Saving Ryan’s Privates, Shaving Ryan’s Privates, and so on.

You don’t find this to be the case with films that fail to connect with audiences. The Hurt Locker is a critical darling, but failed to make money with audiences (a big fat super shame), so we’re unlikely to see The Squirt Locker, or The Spurt Stocker or The Skirt Focker. Further, we’re unlikely to see The Last Whorehouse On The Left, Race to Bitch Mountain, Angels & Semens, The Men Who Bang Goats, or The Jonas Brothers: The 3D “Girlfriend” Experience.

(Actually, you might see that last one eventually.)

Of course, I say this, and I wonder if the art of “pop culture into porn” is actually fading. I don’t know that the “porn movie” is even much of an, erm, “artform” anymore. Now it’s five-minute super-close vignettes of genitals smashing woefully into other genitals, as indistinguishable from a closeup of a kielbasa being shoved again and again into the hole of a glazed donut. Now it’s bizarre-o fetishes. Now it’s slashfic.

I wonder, though, if Avatar might just be the film that will bridge the Old World of Porn with the New World of Unbridled Deviancy.

Saw the film again yesterday with the wife.

Got a fetish? Lord Cameron hath provided. For he is King of the Paraphilia.

First — blue cat-slash-goat people run around half-naked. They’re topless. You catch all their curves. Right there you’ve got that anthropomorphic furry-esque hook — “I want to bang savage blue animal people” — which is probably the easiest and most obvious fetish connection in the film. And Cameron knew it. He had a design goal: “Make the blue chick fuckable.” I’m not kidding. He’s practically creating a furry revolution. Before now, you look at a furry — some lad or lady in an overstuffed giraffe costume — and it’s mostly just a little confounding. But here Cameron has sought to make the furry way (the Do of Furry?) accessible to anybody and everybody.

Then you have whispers of outright bestiality. Grace jokes when Sully’s avatar plays with his little tentacle tail, telling him he’ll “go blind” if he keeps playing with it, which makes it pretty clear: “Hey, look! He’s masturbating!” So, when later we see him jam his head-hair-tail-tentacle-cock into the leathery reptilian vagina-stalks of the horse-things or the pterodactyl-ik’ran-things, you get an uncomfy feeling about what’s really going on. It’d be like if “training your dog” meant connecting with it by sticking one part of your anatomy into some part of the pooch. (“I’m going to teach my dog to fetch my slippers! Let me put my penis in his ear so we can have a telepathic connection!”)

And that leads me to: tentacle porn. Those head-hair-tail-tentacles have weird little tentacular (not a word) filaments. And they stick them into other tentacles. Tentacles penetrate other tentacles. It’s like the zenith — the apogee — of tentacle porn.

Film’s got bondage elements, too. (Funny how bondage is actually a pretty light fetish these days — couples of the whitest-of-bread have probably tried fuzzy handcuffs, right?) Jake and Grace bound up, waiting to be sacrificed to the coming military horde? Or a stuck fetish with Jake locked away in a coffin-like machine while he psychically links up with his Big Blue Meanie buddy?

Erotic asphyxiation? A number of characters lose their breath and gasp orgasmically in the Pandoran atmosphere. Dendrophilia, or being aroused by trees? The film is practically tree porn, and once more they link up to the trees using their head-hair-tail-tentacles. Klismaphilia? The scene where Sully receives a glowing tree-sap enema from a pack of howling reptile hyenas and — oh, wait. That doesn’t actually happen.

I know what you’re saying. “Chuck, you’re really stretching. You’re stretching like an inflation fetish, your body a sexual balloon blowing up with mad lust.”

And you’re right.

I am stretching.

I don’t know that Cameron intended any of this.

But that doesn’t matter.

Because it’s too late.

Film’s out there. Sully’s already banging a blue alien chick who might be some kind of crazy giant cat-goat hybrid. What’s done is done.

And I’m telling you right now — Avatar bridges that gap between pop culture and porn, and as a result, Avatar porn will destroy us all. It is a meme that will overtake us. We’re done with Nigerian Princes and cats that are unable to spell properly or form cogent sentences about cheeseburgers. We’re done with dudes on skateboards plowing their junk into railings, we’re done with dick pills, we’re done with all the Internet trends.

Soon, all will be Avatar porn.

You know how I know?

Because it’s happening already. The hunger is out there. The need. The desire.

I monitor the search terms on this site, as you well know.

And I am floored by the things people search for on the Internet.

My toying with “Pauley Perrette” and “Abby Sciuto” has earned me a troubling surge in blog hits. I was joking when I said it would get me hits, because I had one or two here and there, but now I get hundreds daily. And recent competition has come in from people looking for Dragon Age pornography, of all things. People want to bang the shit out of Morrigan. They don’t want to romance her. They want to tie her up and do awful things to her unreal body. And it goes beyond Morrigan — just yesterday, I got the search term, “How to fuck a goat in Dragon Age: Origins.” Seriously. Someone looked for that. Someone not only thinks you can do that in a video game, but they want to do that in a video game.

Ahh, so where’s Avatar come in, you say?

Guess what’s nipping at the heels of these other search terms?

“Neytiri porn.” “Avatar porn.” “Avatar bestiality.” “Naked pictures of Naytiri (sic).”

Of course, me linking to those things is only going to get me more blog hits. Useless blog hits, of course — I’m not proud. These aren’t people coming here looking for writing advice. They’re not coming her for the Avatar porn but staying for the witty banter. I’m sure I leave hundreds of clickers horribly disappointed day in and day out.

What I’m doing is warning you –

Avatar porn is coming.

A strong, fetid tide of it.

It will wash upon us — a septic wave.

Be ready for it.

Tape up your windows.

Tie down the furniture.

Have an evacuation plan.

And for God’s sake — hide your goats.

19 comments

  • Dude! ROFL! LOLOLOLOLOL.

    Oh and by the by slash fic has been around since at least the original Kirk and Spock. (Being my usual clueless self, I had to have the term explained to me back in the day. I just stared at them not able to understand why.) :P

    Nothing is sacred, that’s for sure. lol. So yes, there will be goat sex. Your goats will never be safe again. Dum dum DUM!

  • God damn Chuck, way to hit the new year swinging. That was probably among the funniest entries I’ve read, and given your blog, that says a lot.

    So far I am still resisting the Avatarloution (also not a word) but I feel my will crumbling. I have no problems admitting I find blue goat women sexy (Google Nude Draenei and click images if you don’t know why), so this blog has only cemented that I will end up seeing this movie.

    Bring on the porn!

  • Oh Chuck, you poor fool. You really don’t know, do you?

    It’s the INTERNET. Anything is turned to porn on the internet. ANYTHING!

    I’m betting there’s Chuck Wendig porn out there in the making. It doesn’t even star you. It doesn’t have to though. I bet somewhere, some bored artist who has finished drawing Avatar/Avatar: the Last Airbender porn and starts reading Terrible Minds and starts thinking “Ooooh, I want Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Chuck Wendig at an S/M delicatessen that serves ribs!”

    And it will happen!

    Behold, I am the dark herald of the internet. From the depths I rise, bringing forbidden knowledge that is seen cannot be forgotten!

  • I saw that headline in my RSS reader, and the first thing I thought was, “Holy shit. His site’s going to go down from the raw infusion of hits tomorrow.”

    • Traffic has been pretty high for a Sunday — usually a slow(er) day. Not a lot of direct searches for “Avatar boobs” or anything, but you tell people that porn is going to destroy us all, and they come a-clicking!

      — c.

  • CHUCK. Come on. Rule 34! Do I need to link you to the ET porn? Don’t make me do it. The Bert and Ernie murder-drugs-rape stories?

    The internet means you don’t have to say “I’m kidding.” The biggest porn groups writing out there are writing Harry Potter.

    All that being said, I conclude with LOL.

    (And if you REALLY need an education, I used to scour the net looking for the worst of it all and mock it. And there’s a thing called cock-vore. I’ll… let you discover that one on your own.)

    Hee.

  • Every day I breathe a sigh of relief that you have not, in fact, destroyed the Internet.

    After a major spike from my first Carla post, my traffic has been rather light.

  • WHAT ABOUT DRAGON SEX WITH CARS, CHUCK? Do I need to teach you about that?

    I can do this all day. Ahaha. I won’t, though, I worry for your sensibilities. I don’t even know if you have a fainting couch.

  • February 14, 2010 at 7:25 PM // Reply

    You nailed it dead on brother. I never “got” the furry thing at all, but as you said Cameron has made a -really- sexy cat alien type thing. Tall, long, sinewy, flirty eyes, like a super model but uhh, blue. And an alien. Who wouldn’t want to? I mean really… I for one welcome the deluge of Avatar porn. Bring it!

Speak Your Mind, Word-Nerds