(View supersized!)

And so it was that our Xeno-Messiah — hermaphroditic spawn of the Jovian Overlord — was born into this plane of existence, pulled from his ultradimensional pocket.

The Gospel Of John Spiderface

In those days, an e-mail went out from Caesar Chewbacca to all the people in the world.

This was the first and most spectacular of e-mails, when the Devil was mayor of Poughkeepsie.

And all those in Poughkeepsie were told, “Lo, the Xeno-Messiah Xibus is coming, born from the ultradimensional womb, which is actually a dirty goat manger, and it would be good.”

And all came to Poughkeepsie to see.

And the Domo Brothers — DJ Domo Jones and Pimp-Daddy Domo the Roofraiser — came from Schenectady by hitching a ride with some fat dude in a rusted-out pickup truck.

They came because they were of the house and lineage of Domo, and frankly, if they didn’t play some bad-ass party music, who would?

And when they arrived, they found John Spiderface, the totem spirit of Poughkeepsie, waiting in a dirty manger laden with rotten hay and withered goat scat.

So it was that John Spiderface said something like, “I have to reach into the cosmic vagina to pull this alien baby out. Can you guys kick a fat beat?”

And the Domo Brothers did kick a fat beat, and lo, it was good.

With his hand thrust deep into the cosmic vagina — up to the elbow, if you must know — John Spiderface did pull forth the wriggling alien infant known as Xibus, the Xeno-Messiah, Son of the Jovian Overlord (Who Claims Ownership Over This World And Its Home Dimension).

And outside the manger, the people who came to Poughkeepsie did gather, and they did swaddle a lamppost in heaps and mounds of meatloaf, and thus the Meatloaf Effigy was born in support of Xibus the Xeno-Messiah.

Lo! Holy lightning from the Jovian Overlord did strike the Meatloaf Effigy, and it did animate the Meatloaf Effigy, and he went and picked a lone flower growing out of the snow, and it smelled very nice.

John Spiderface noticed that none could leave the manger, for all the people in the world had come to Poughkeepsie and that made it very crowded, and so he laid the squalling Xeno-Messiah in the hay and goat pellets for there was no way to get to the Ramada Inn just down the road.

Not far from the manger were two of Humanity’s Chosen Shepherds, Elfbucket and Baby Fatback, watching over the throngs of ecstatic gatherers, making sure that nobody stomped each other to death like they do anytime a sweet-ass new toy ends up at Wal-Mart, you know, like those goddamn hamsters.

And an angel of the Jovian Overlord did appear to Elfbucket and Baby Fatback, and this angel was a big blue dude named Watto, and this big blue dude was nebulously — and comically! — foreign.

The angel Watto was wreathed in Christmas lights and did carry with him a smaller version of himself that did all the talking, and that smaller version was all like, “Hey! Don’t getta me wrongo, I have-a great faith in a Johnny Spiderface, but be not-a afraid, for behold-o, I bringa you good tidings of a leetle ultra-dimensional monkey name-a Jesus or Jeebus or Xibus or somma shit like dat!”

And Elfbucket and Baby Fatback did hear the fat beats of the block-rocking Domo Brothers, and they knew that this was a great joy that Xibus the Savior was born from the trembling slick-walled cosmic womb by the hands of John Spiderface.

At the urging of the angel Watto, they went to find the Xeno-Messiah swaddled in foul-smelling hay and goat feces, and John Spiderface could only shrug, for he was merely a spiderface, not a professional hay-remover or feces unspackler or whatever, and Elfbucket and Baby Fatback knew that their time had come.

Together they performed ancient shepherd magics and conjured a trio of Bad-Ass Dogs: Haduken the Karate-Hound, Deathsniffer the Rapping Bloodbeast, and Snoop Dickity Dimebag the Mule-Kicked Great Dane.

Then they worked further magics and summoned a triumverate of Feral Cats: Lipstick Cat, Distracted Cat, and I’m On Ur Roof Pooping In Ur Gutters Cat.

And when the shepherds had finished with their pagan magicks-with-a-k, the Bad-Ass Dogs did go and eat the foul hay off of the Xeno-Messiah, for dogs are basically dumbasses that will eat anything they can find, especially if it smells like garbage.

And when the Bad-Ass Dogs were finished with their meal of foul hay, the Feral Cats did take the cocoon of goat feces and bury it, for cats, while bitchy little fuckers, are very good at hiding feces from the world.

And then Distracted Cat was all like, “Yo, I think that’s the fuckin’ Devil over there.”

And Hadouken the Karate-Hound was all like, “You shut your cat face. That Devil’s the mayor of Poughkeepsie. He’s a good man and keeps taxes low. He goes and gives money to cancer kids. So what if he’s the Devil?”

And lo, Distracted Cat was cowed and was like, “Snap, whatever,” and it was good.

When Watto, angel of the Jovian Overlord did decide he was late for an appointment and disappeared down into the Hollow Earth, the shepherds Elfbucket and Baby Fatback did cry out, “Glory to the Jovian Overlord in the highest, and peace among the gathered human flocks, for they shall find joy in slavery!”

And the gathered humans were like, “Whut? Slavery?”

And the Xeno-Messiah Xibus finally made a cry that sounded like words, and those words sounded an awful lot like, “Let’s enslave these pink-skinned apes!”

The gateways between worlds did open, and the Praetorian Guard of the Jovian Overlord poured through, uberboots stomping, and the Bad-Ass Dogs did howl, and the Feral Cats did keen, and John Spiderface was all like, “Where’s my money? My check better be on the way for this.”

And lo, the people did scream and gibber as they were thrown into unbreakable cages, and it was… well, not good at all.

And the Devil of Poughkeepsie did say, “Hey, dipshits, that’s what you get for making the Devil the mayor.”

And then Chewbacca growled.

All hail Xibus, the Xeno-Messiah, for He is Born!