This post has nothing to do with serving justice or receiving made-up restitutions, but it sounded cooler than, “These Are The Things I Want For Christmas,” because that really doesn’t feel that exciting, y’know?

Whatever. Don’t get uppity with me, Internets.

Here’s my Christmas wish list, 2010.

Five things. That I want.

You might think, “Oh, he wants things like a Playstation 3 and a new HDTV and a pony and a rocket-powered spinfuck chair,” but ohhh no. These ain’t things you’ll find on the shelf at Woolworth’s, my good friends.

These gifts, well, they’re a little more abstract.

Please to enjoy.

1. I Want To Become Philip Seymour Hoffman

Gaze upon the images. I’m close. I’m real close.

It won’t take me much to actually become Philip Seymour Hoffman. Just some scant few voodoo gris-gris tricks and — bam! — I shall become him.

I don’t even need to be him for long. Just a day. Maybe three? I bet his life is really cool. If I also had a time machine, I could rewind time and become Philip Seymour Hoffman when he was having sex with Marisa Tomei in that one movie. Yeah? Yeah.

I mean, look at us.

Kind of doughy? Check.

Unkempt beard? Ding!

Shit-eating underbite grin? Score!

Hair sculpted with purposeful anarchy? Thumbs-up.

Beard with +2 Damage Against Mediocrity? Lawds yes.

For a couple-few days, I could be a great film actor, an untested director, a gifted theatrical actor, I could work with some of the coolest people in Hollywood, I could be kind of doughy and still be considered a hot commodity in films as a powerful character actor.

It’d be super. I mean, I’ve been compared to other personalities before — I’ve heard the Mythbuster guys, Kiefer Sutherland, Alton Brown, Rosie O’ Donnell (it’s the beard). But seeing that image of Philip Seymour Hoffman, man, I think I got this one nailed.

Let the voodoo begin!

2. I Want Flash On My Goddamn iPhone

The iPhone at present does not support Flash.

Wait — what?

It does? Like, as of recently?

Um. Okay. Well, that kind of steals my thunder.

Still. Still! I want it now! I want it to be implemented! Further, the Flash won’t be browser-based, and will only be app-based, and that makes Baby Jesus all emo and shit.

The real reason I want Flash on my iPhone is because I’m dying to get some great comic-reading experiences on the device, but as yet, that hasn’t happened. In particular, I’m dying to get a slice of Zuda Comics on the device. See, this may sound strange, but if I give into reading comics on Zuda, I’m likely to do that more and more — which means I’m doing work on the system less and less. Ah! But the iPhone, I have that with me all the time. Standing at the gas pump? Waiting in line at the store? Hanging out in the crowd at one of the local hobo fights? I can whip out the ol’ iPhone, pop on some Zuda Comics, and read some awesomeness right then and there.

So, someone make that happen.

ASAFP!

3. I Want A Swan Song Miniseries On HBO

Swan Song is one of the most fucked up books ever written. It’s goddamn terrifying. It’s gut-wrenching. It makes The Stand look like one of those Richard Scarry books.

This isn’t an official review or anything, but if you are a fan of horror and dark fantasy, you are seriously dicking yourself over if you haven’t read this 900+ page masterpiece. Nuclear Apocalypse? The Man With The Scarlet Eye? The Straitjacket Game? The Job’s Mask? It’s horrifying. It’s a journey through the blasted wasteland of America as a handful of survivors try to find some kind of hope.

The book’s too big to make into a film. People make that mistake all the time — “Oh, this book will make a good movie.” No. It won’t. Books are too big to turn into films for the most part. A short story is a better analog for film, you ask me. Regardless, given that this beast is well over 900 pages, you really need to spread it out. So, you give it 13 episodes on HBO. Or Showtime. Needs to be on pay cable, because it’s going to be profane and strange and bloody.

It’ll be an epic horror miniseries. It’ll punch that Stand miniseries right in the balls.

(Mind you, I do like that book, and the series that came out of it — but for realsies, it does not compare to Swan Song.)

I’ve wanted this miniseries to happen since I was a surly teen.

This is the Christmas to make it happen.

I am owed restitution!

Grr!

4. I Want To Be The King Of All Writers

Let’s just take a look at this. I’ve written roleplaying games. I’ve written video games. I’ve done ARG work. I have a TV show moving into development. I have a film moving toward development. I have a novel now represented by a swank NYC literary agent. I need to get “comic book” in there somewhere. And maybe “non-fiction work,” too. What else? Greeting cards? Ad copy? T-shirts? Ransom letters? Ghost-written celebrity autobiographies? Memoir? Pharmaceutical prescriptions?

I pull the trigger on all these, I’ll be the Lord Of All Verbs, the Crown Prince Of Nouns. I will own you people. You will all write for me. I’ll clap my hands and say, “Verb boy! Write me a fantasy epic about elf prostitutes and their strange sexy elfin magics! When you’re done, write me a book of lies about David Hasselhoff. This, I demand!”

And you’ll do it.

For I am your king.

5. I Want A Donkey And A Goat

When I was a kid, our Mom-Mom used to walk us up the inaptly named “Buckingham Mountain” (not a mountain at all, but just a really big hill), and up on that faux-mountain was Holicong Security, and along the road there they had a pen, and in that pen was a donkey and a goat.

They were the bestest friends.

At least, that’s how I remember it. For all I know they hated one another. “You’re a bleating asshole, goat.” “You’re a hee-hawing dickbat, donkey.”

They seemed to get along, and they made a cute pair, and it was easy to believe that when night fell the two would emerge from their pen and become secret crimefighters. Saving children from house fires, or rescuing purses from purse snatchers. (Or maybe they were a diabolical duo, snatching purses from old ladies and throwing children into house fires. Who cares? Awesome either way.)

I want that. I want that.

I want a donkey and a goat to call my own. Not just a donkey, and not just a goat. Donkey plus goat equals awesome.