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Listen up. Your blog’s numbers got you down? Your Beverly Hills Chihuahua fan-fic not reelin’ ‘em in? Nobody cares to read your bear-meat goulash recipes? The endless cascade of photographs of your balls failing to make it onto all the hot social media sites?
You’ve come to the right place.
I’m here to help, friends. I’m here to guarantee you at least 50 new views a week — and that’s low-balling them numbers.
The secret to blog success?
Abby Scuito from NCIS, as played by Pauley Perrette.
That’s her. She’s about to drop the hammer on her finger-gun, and explode her own brain with blog hits.
I think I’ve mentioned her twice on this blog so far, and, no joke, I’ve had hundreds of hits. Some are simple and benign (“Abby from NCIS,” or “Abby Sciuto”), while others are… less so (“NCIS Abby porn,” for instance, or my favorite, “Abby Sciuto sex my balls”). I gotta wonder, if I mention her once a week, maybe I’ll start generating mad crazy blogtricity — this Wordpress installation will start snapping and hissing with static awesomeness, sparks of pure, unfiltered Internet interest. If I make up new Abby from NCIS terms, will people search for them? Will they unconsciously feel the psychic waves, drawn to Terribleminds so that I can dash their boats against the roc… er, I mean, entertain them and bring them a good time?So.
If I invoke new search terms like –
- Abby from NCIS fights a dragon
- TV Abby eats babies
- Pauley Perrette gets a tattoo of my penis
- Abby Sciuto eats a sexy bagel
- NCIS Abby is a robot bear who surfs on helicopters
- Abby is the cosplay queen
- Abby NCIS porn sex nerd dog collar goth GOP real estate antivirus Nigerian prince!
– will I be flooded with new hits? I bet I will.
Then again, maybe I don’t need to make up stuff about her at all. Maybe I talk about real things –
- Pauley Perrette is a Christian who supports gay marriage? (no, seriously, go ahead and read that)
- She’s in the upcoming film Satan Hates You, which may be almost a Phantasm sequel?
- She was once in an Afterschool Special? (“Magical Make-Over!”)
- She has some serious-ass fansites?
- She fronts a band called Lo-Ball, and has her own record label?
- She was married to some dude named “Coyote Shivers,” who produced the Kids In The Hall house band, Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet?
And so on, and so forth.
Right there? Big hits, coming my way. You can have sweet hits like that, too, if you play your cards right.
And, just in case you’re interested, maybe you want to go ahead and gloss up your bloggeryspaces with some other great, surefire hit-making phrases.
Popular search terms here at Terribleminds have recently included:
- “my knuckles are caught in a pulley”
- “don’t fuck with cthulhu”
- “rockstar crotch”
- “peacock brains”
- “turtle penis” (this one nets me big views!)
- “scrotum nailing”
- “hypnagogic children”
- “that’s no way to kill your mother”
- “pictures of gaping assholes” (I guess they’re looking for pictures of me?)
- “the truth fucking sucks”
- “how to stop teenager from smearing shit”
- “mother shit over daughter tube”
- “camera shows what happens when penis enters”
- “alec baldwin in flatliners” (??)
- and finally, “you don’t want germs the baby”
Use all of those, and I guarantee you — or your money back — big crazy blog hits.
Please to enjoy.
About The Author
ChuckWendig
Chuck Wendig is a novelist, a screenwriter, and a freelance penmonkey. He's written too much. He should probably stop. Give him a wide berth, as he might be drunk and untrustworthy. He currently lives in the wilds of Pennsyltucky with a wonderful wife and two very stupid dogs. He is represented by Stacia Decker of the Donald Maass Literary Agency.
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16 Responses and Counting...
Wow, I didn’t realize Ms. Perrette and I had something in common. And no, I don’t front a band (yet). I’m also a Christian who supports gay marriage.
Damn son, you were not kidding about that fansite.
See? That ain’t no Geocities construction.
Should I know who that is?
You are the master of SEO. Whatever Google’s trick is, you’ve found it. You sir, win the internet.
David: I’m just a fortunate yeoman wandering the madness that is this place.
JNew: No! You don’t have to know who it is, that’s the priceless part about this! Like, take your blogpost on quitting smoking. If, say, somewhere in there you put in the text: “I bet Abby from NCIS could quit smoking,” you’d suddenly get a cavalcade of hits! One of them would probably be “NCIS Abby smoking fetish” or something! Good times.
[...] a little about Abby from NCIS. I’m experimenting with something that fellow writer and friend Chuck Wendig said. He said that upon mentioning Abby, played by Pauley Perrette, attracted a ton of hits to his site. [...]
Hrm. I’m weird. Maybe I’m punk. Most likely, I’m just my usual bass-akward, idiot savant self. This Pauly person? Had no clue. Not until I read a few of your posts about her. Now, Coyote Shivers? I’ve been following him for a long time. I first saw him (them because he almost exclusivly appears in movies with his punk-pop-Social Distortiony band) in Empire Records as Berko, the partime counter jockey and fell in love with their song “Sugar High.” Next, at a dollar store a few years back I bought “Down and Out with the Dolls” because it’s a punk movie and they play their own instruments. ‘Ol Mr. Shivers was there again, this time as the “sell out” star love interest.
I have no doubt he’d generate almost no clicks, however. Just more of my weird factoids.
So far, he has generated no hits.
Yesterday, though — and this is serious — clicks to Abby or the actress generated about 15% of my hits to that page.
Redonkulous.
No, they’re not useful hits, probably. Maybe one or two are, but most, ehhh, I doubt it. It’s just funny the things that attract people. Moths to an unexpected flame and all that.
– c.
[...] Christmas, you saw my Abby-from-NCIS Pauley Perrette joke experiment, right? I had 60 hits yesterday from Abby-related search terms. That is redonkulous. (And worthless [...]
Chuck, sometimes I have this crazy, miggling doubt over whether you always have what
s best your your loyal readers at the forefront of your mind when you write these entries. It causes me some amount of mental distress.
Then I come and visit the blog, of course, and the doubt completely goes away. No doubt, nope. None.
Shoe:
Which side do you come down on? That I have your best interest in mind?
- c.
[...] Listen. Remember how I told you that if you were to casually mention Pauley Perrette (”Abby from NCIS”) in your blog [...]
[...] I mean, I could have just posted that pic of Carla without tying it into the overall theme of the post. That’d be like mentioning Abby Sciuto just because she brings in the mad hits. [...]
[...] say it’s pitiful, but some of them actually stop to read for a spell. Mr. Wendig had a fabulous post recently about the chaos in his blog stats caused by his discussing Abby in NCIS in one of his [...]
Pauley,
I only have a questions about you tats. ARe they real?
Johnny