Listen up. Your blog’s numbers got you down? Your Beverly Hills Chihuahua fan-fic not reelin’ ’em in? Nobody cares to read your bear-meat goulash recipes? The endless cascade of photographs of your balls failing to make it onto all the hot social media sites?
You’ve come to the right place.
I’m here to help, friends. I’m here to guarantee you at least 50 new views a week — and that’s low-balling them numbers.
The secret to blog success?
Abby Scuito from NCIS, as played by Pauley Perrette.
That’s her. She’s about to drop the hammer on her finger-gun, and explode her own brain with blog hits.
I think I’ve mentioned her twice on this blog so far, and, no joke, I’ve had hundreds of hits. Some are simple and benign (“Abby from NCIS,” or “Abby Sciuto”), while others are… less so (“NCIS Abby porn,” for instance, or my favorite, “Abby Sciuto sex my balls”). I gotta wonder, if I mention her once a week, maybe I’ll start generating mad crazy blogtricity — this WordPress installation will start snapping and hissing with static awesomeness, sparks of pure, unfiltered Internet interest. If I make up new Abby from NCIS terms, will people search for them? Will they unconsciously feel the psychic waves, drawn to Terribleminds so that I can dash their boats against the roc… er, I mean, entertain them and bring them a good time?
If I invoke new search terms like —
- Abby from NCIS fights a dragon
- TV Abby eats babies
- Pauley Perrette gets a tattoo of my penis
- Abby Sciuto eats a sexy bagel
- NCIS Abby is a robot bear who surfs on helicopters
- Abby is the cosplay queen
- Abby NCIS porn sex nerd dog collar goth GOP real estate antivirus Nigerian prince!
— will I be flooded with new hits? I bet I will.
Then again, maybe I don’t need to make up stuff about her at all. Maybe I talk about real things —
- Pauley Perrette is a Christian who supports gay marriage? (no, seriously, go ahead and read that)
- She’s in the upcoming film Satan Hates You, which may be almost a Phantasm sequel?
- She was once in an Afterschool Special? (“Magical Make-Over!”)
- She has some serious-ass fansites?
- She fronts a band called Lo-Ball, and has her own record label?
- She was married to some dude named “Coyote Shivers,” who produced the Kids In The Hall house band, Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet?
And so on, and so forth.
Right there? Big hits, coming my way. You can have sweet hits like that, too, if you play your cards right.
And, just in case you’re interested, maybe you want to go ahead and gloss up your bloggeryspaces with some other great, surefire hit-making phrases.
Popular search terms here at Terribleminds have recently included:
- “my knuckles are caught in a pulley”
- “don’t fuck with cthulhu”
- “rockstar crotch”
- “peacock brains”
- “turtle penis” (this one nets me big views!)
- “scrotum nailing”
- “hypnagogic children”
- “that’s no way to kill your mother”
- “pictures of gaping assholes” (I guess they’re looking for pictures of me?)
- “the truth fucking sucks”
- “how to stop teenager from smearing shit”
- “mother shit over daughter tube”
- “camera shows what happens when penis enters”
- “alec baldwin in flatliners” (??)
- and finally, “you don’t want germs the baby”
Use all of those, and I guarantee you — or your money back — big crazy blog hits.
Please to enjoy.