I Would Kill Your Mother To Go Back To Hawaii

The Apogee of Orange

Hey, listen. It’s nothing personal about your Mom. I’m sure she’s lovely. Yes, yes, I know, she makes a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies. But I gotta tell you, if she’s standing in the way of me and Hawaii, I’ma kill her. I’ll make it fast. Frying pan to the head or something. Whang! Then I’m on the plane, giggling like a tickled schoolgirl. Molesting the lai around my neck.

That’s all this post is. Me letting you know that, if I had to, I’d be willing to put your mother six feet deep to get me back in the tropical state of Hawaii.

I’m not really a beach person.

I fear the water like I fear the reaper’s scythe.

And yet, Hawaii changed me, man. It got in me. I opened my body and let its turtle spirit inside. I’m all like Mahalo, bitches. I can still smell the sand and the tropical flowers.

Drunken Sunset

Winter freaks my shit out. Hawaii doesn’t have a winter. I mean, I guess it does — it rains a little more. But in January, it’s 70 degrees. They have mountains. And valleys. And a bazillion waterfalls. And whales. And giant tortoises. (And centipedes that could eat your face, but we won’t talk about that.) It makes me happy just thinking about it. Then I look outside, and I see the gunmetal nothing of the Pennsylvanian sky, and I just shit sadness. I literally shit sadness, and it looks like a puff of gray cotton, an old dude’s pubes, soaking and sodden with his own tears.


I want real Kona coffee. I want to smell flowers when I get off an airplane. I want words with few consonants and a fuckbasket full of apostrophes as if I’m in some crazy fantasy land (“Welcome to Ma’i'ohalo’ainai’punau’wi’ipi’ioo’oopoo!”). I want sun. I want warmth. I want rainforests and lava rocks and the fear that Pele herself might smite me for stealing volcanic dust in my shoes.

Smoking Pele, Big Island

So I’m just giving you the head’s up, brah. I ain’t dicking around. I will collapse your mother’s trachea with a surfboard just to get back to Hawaii. I don’t even care what island. I want to frolic with the mongooses. I want to ride a giant Kalij Pheasant into the sunset. I want turtles all the way down. I want a loco moco as my home. I want to appreciate your kokua. And I will kill your mother to do it. So help me, I will kill her dead. Double-dead. Let her know. Let her know I’m coming for her. My surfboard is waxed. It thirsts for her lifeforce.

Palms at the Place of Refuge

(For the record, I won’t really kill your Mom. She can take me. And no, we have no current plans to go back to the islands. Someday, though. Someday.)


  • Just listen to your podcast. Quality. Here is a link to the dog suicide bridge you mentioned. mymultiplesclerosis.co.uk/…/dogsuicide.html . Hope this makes for so intresting reading.

    Neil. :)

  • It was cool to listen to. I have never played any white wolf rpgs and have not rpg’ed in the last 15 years (Lost touch with by old game group after I left school), but listening to the podcast made me want to rpg again. :D

  • Sounds like you need to head down to the Redneck Riviera. It’s the “Hydrox” of beaches, but it’ll do in a pinch. Hope you like fried foods and Confederate flags!

    …is it wrong that I just long to kill someone’s mother? Purely for research purposes, you understand. I mean, I won’t ENJOY myself. Much.

    • The Redneck whonow? Wherezat?

      (And I used to live down South. Even in a nice city like Charlotte, I was amazed at the Confederate flags and the people who still used the word “yankee,” like that somehow mattered. Hell, 25% of the people I met in that town were mysteriously from Pennsylvania.)

      We have pondered hitting the Florida Keys for some East Coast tropical action.

      – c.

  • Chuck. i agree. I was thinking of signing up for World of warcraft, but your post concerning destractions to writing made a lot of sence. I don’t write enough as it is, WOW would only eat into that time. If I can find myself a group, what would you suggest rpg wise for a new starter? Or are there any online games that you rate?
    Thanks for your replys. :)

  • At the moment my leanings are towards Horror but sci-fi and fantasy setting are also cool. I guess i’m looking for a game or system thats easy to get into. The games you and the guys were talking about on the podcast sound good. Plus I live in the UK (northwest) so it would help if it was popular enough here to be able to find a group with relative ease.


    • Well, Neil — then I gotta plug the World of Darkness Rulebook and Hunter: The Vigil. Pick up both (should be easy to find) and I think you’ll have a pretty easy system that’s complex enough to be interesting but direct enough to allow everybody to jump in quick.

      – c.

  • Redneck Riviera: the gulf coast from ‘Bama to St. George Island. The beaches are really pretty, it’s just in the Deep South. The Keys would be a better choice if you’re wanting to be all classy and shit. They definitely have a +4 bag of awesome.

    • That would be Deep South, wouldn’t it?

      Though, I could stalk Robert McCammon that way.


      The Keys, I hear, are nice — plus, myriad Keys for a many-faced experience. Or something. Plus, booze and pirates?

      – c.

  • Cool. I’ve looked on amazon and white wolf has a load of stuff on there. Talking of D&D4 I have the starter set and I’m hoping to get my kids into it. At the end of the day they may become my only gaming group, it’ll be awhile before they ready for World of Darkness though. :)

    Thanks again, Neil.

    • Actually — yeah, I kind of feel that way about Ireland, too. Ireland was fackin’ awesome. Also: friendliest people ever.

      Hawaii — curiously not the friendliest people. Hawaiians are the Deepest Southerners, and to them, all us mainland monkeys are the yankees.

      – c.

  • Ah, I envy. Closest I ever got to Hawaii was writing a Changeling chapter about it, after another author dropped the ball at the last minute. At least I got to consider HST’s Curse of Lono as “research” for the project.

    • I can only recommend the trip. Thing about Hawaii that surprised me was how inexpensive it is right now. Not to say it’s cheapo to get there and stay, but you can do it in a manageable way (fact: costs more for me to go and rent a house at the Jersey Shore for a week than Hawaii).

      Actually, good blog: govisithawaii.com

      – c.

  • Aloha Chuck and mahalo for recommending Go Visit Hawaii!

    I hope you can get to Hawaii soon to capture more incredible photos like those in your post. Wowza!

Speak Your Mind, Word-Nerds