PC Gaming Is Dead To Me
Are you listening, PC gaming? Hmm? You digging up what I’m burying, you sonofabitch? Look at me when I’m talking to you.
Here. Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, I had Fallout 3 for my Xbox 360. We played for many hours across the Wasteland. We killed many mutants together. We nuked Megaton. We had a dog. Life was jolly.
Eventually, I said goodbye to Fallout 3 even though some delicious DLC was about to drop for it. Five sweet pieces of DLC sounded great, but for around ten bucks a pop, I just couldn’t justify almost doubling the cost of the original game. The game went to trade-in.
Then, Fallout 3, Game of the Year (GOTY) edition came out. Same game, but now with all the DLC included, for the same price as the original game. Except, buy it for the PC, and it’s cheaper. Buy it from GoGamer Madness, and it’s cheaper still. I can basically get the DLC for no extra cost, then, since I traded in the original, and I get to slap it onto a fairly bad-ass, graphically robust desktop. Fine. Yes. I’ll take it.
I got it.
I unwrapped it.
I licked it, I made love to it, we watched the sunrise together, and then I went to install it.
It hasn’t gone well.
The GOTY comes with two disks. Discs? Whatever. Two DVDs. I installed the one, and it never asked me for the other. The instructions that come with it are the same ones that come with the original game, so I just assume that when the game needs that second DVD, it’ll yell at me, I’ll concede to its will, and the game will progress.
I play the game for about five minutes.
This is about all the playtime I can manage before the game freezes.
Okay. Fine. That’s super. I decide to look online for solutions. In the process, I discover that the second DVD is actually the DLC, and you need to install that separately. I figure, what the hell, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that’s the magical key that will unlike this mystical treasure.
I try that. I open the drive. I run the install setup.
The little blue Windows wheel just spins. And spins. And spins.
I reboot. I try again. Same process. It snores. It snoozes. It wheezes. It does nothing.
Once more, I return online and discover that, for some dumbfuck reason, this is normal. You’re supposed to just “let it go.” Like it needs time to work up to it. Installation is hard, don’t you know? It takes a lot out of a guy. A very emotional time in a DVD’s life. So, I do that. I just let it hang. I let it hang for fifteen goddamn minutes. Then! Hah! Yes! It installs!
I think, Glory of glories, it’s time to murder mutated miscreants in the D.C. Wasteland!
Mmmm. Not so much. No, what happens at this point is — an error message. Something about blah blah blah, “Original 5360 could not be located” in some blah blah blah “xlive.dll.”
Once more, I forge online. Ah. Solution. I need to install Games for Windows Live, which is apparently a required piece of software (one you would think would autofuckinginstall).
I install it.
The game plays.
Let the angels sing! A mighty chorus! Harpsichord! Golden voices! Dappled light filtered though gauzy clouds! The dulcet tones of –
It locks up.
It locks up.
IT LOCKS UP.
Five, ten minutes in, boom. Like a narcoleptic terrier, it just drops.
Would I have this problem on the Xbox? No. No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have gone through a minute of this frustration, and if I had, somebody would just patch that motherfucker and spoonfeed it to my console like it was a colicky infant. But on the PC? I have to put on a mining hat. I have to lube up. I have to rip out organs. I have to consult with oracles and read the guts of vultures and fight off hungry spiders and punch myself in the junk drawer over and over and over again.
This is why PC gaming is dead to me.
(I reserve the right to resurrect its corpse with grim necromancy, however, when I want to play any of the Sims 3 expansions. Shut up.)