I came across your blog which both helped and nearly made me wet myself laughing.

Never considered a hello-kitty cock topper or shoving a duck up the ass of one of my characters…..thank you for the visual!

And I wish that it was “giant throbbing clitoris” that I google searched so I could say that it is what brought me to your website.

Thank you (and your commenters) for the excellent tips.

Well-said, and great advice all around. How’d you come to find the site, if you don’t mind me asking?

– c.

1) Do not get lyrical with the euphemisms — find a couple you like, check them for giggle factor/built in stupid, and cycle through them. If you start getting bored with the same words, you might be too far over in the “Tab A/slot b” style.

2) Never, ever, under any circumstance, spell a noise. Just don’t do it. It’s not dialog. I don’t care if she’s screaming her lover’s name, it is not dialog. And it will make the reader laugh, which is not usually good.

3) All the usual rules of writing apply to writing sex scenes. That includes doing research. If you’ve not written a sex scene before, go read a few (dozen) and pick good sorces (go more Susie Bright than Penthouse Forum).

4) Keep track of reality. Make sure the hand/tongue/finger/eye/whatever count remains consistent. Know where they all go during the scene. Not paying attention can lead to bizarre (and very funny) physical impossibilities.

That said — enjoyed the article!

When I was doing some research on how other authors handle fictional gods, I stumbled upon the Kushiel series by Jacqueline Carey. Very detailed and interesting characters, intricate plotting, and I was hooked, but she’s got some very intense scenes that just shocked those poor puritanical roots right out of me. But, I wouldn’t have had her do them any other way because otherwise it just wouldn’t have done the rest of the story justice. If you’ve not read it, I don’t want to give any spoilers, but if you have read it, I think you’ll know what I mean.