I may have been premature in my full-bore hate-on for the GOP.

Let me clarify some things.

Politically, I lean socially liberal, and fiscally conservative.

That means, for me, Republican ideals aren’t universally crazy. Sometimes, I even agree with their positions. Hell, I’m only a Democrat right now because the eight previous years were such a fucking monkeyhouse, I have to try in my own small way to set the see-saw swinging again. Of course, the irony is that in many ways, the last eight years are only barely indicative of Republican philosophy. Fiscally conservative? Not so much. Small government? Given the broad powers handed to the government over our privacy, I think not. Worse was the fact that supposedly small government was trying to enforce big socially conservative policies.

Republicans aren’t evil. They’re not wrong by dint of being Republican. Contained within their political party are a number of genuinely debatable ideas. You may not agree with all these ideas, but they are ideas that can be dissected and discussed in a rational way, using a wacky tool known as logic.

Here’s the thing, though. I criticized the Democrats for not having any balls. (Still true, by the way, even though Obama’s speech put his nuts on the table.) Except…

Most Republicans are pussies, too. Balless scrotums.

How did I reach that conclusion?

Because you, the GOP, the party that exhorts sanity, that claims to toe the conservative line, has basically handed the microphone and soapbox to the craziest goddamn minority. You’ve let the lunatics out of their cages and given them the keys and codes to run the asylum. You’ve just rolled over like a kicked dog. They yell loud enough so we can’t hear you sane people at all. You have to raise your voices. You have to speak up for the sanity of your party. You gotta grow a pair, Republicans. You have a schism. You used to be the parents with the children in the backseat, but they’ve clambered up over the top and are now driving the car. Right into a wall, if you ask me.

Did you see the Thursday night Weekend Update last night? Check it out at the seven minute mark, when Bill Hader does a great impression of James Carville. Paraphrased quote from him on the GOP crazies and how the White House should handle them –

“I mean, when a crazy drifter comes up to you on the street and says, ‘Hey, Snakeface! You the devil!’ — you don’t stop and engage with him! You just keep walking! I mean, in the middle of a school assembly nobody says, ‘Hey, let’s hear from the creepy janitor who fought in Vietnam. I bet he has a good suggestion for Prom theme.’”

So, sane Republicans. Taser the crazies. Take the microphone back, and pull the soapbox out from under them. I may not agree with you 100% of the time, but I don’t agree with the Democrats 100% of the time, either. If you start making sense again, I might listen. We as a country might listen. We can agree or disagree based on sound policies and ideas that suggest you actually care about America rather than corporate interests or your own frenzied notions of political celebrity.

It’s much easier to have a civilized debate when you’re not scooping poop out of your sagging diaper and throwing it at us.

Then again, if you’re one of the crazies, congratulations! You have big balls. No brain, but big balls. Your balls are not only out on the table, but you’ve covered them in whipped cream and Hitler mustaches and are using them as actors in some deranged morality play. Plus, you have the microphone and the soapbox. Well done, loud insane minority. You’re winning this debate because everybody’s letting you win it.