(Welcome to another chapter of, “Getting Angry On The Internet.” I’m your host, Doctor Charles P. Cranktrousers. Yes, Story Songs is on hold for today. Deal with it, lest I waggle a surly finger in your direction.)

Okay, okay, hold up. I just want to get this straight.

When 9/11 happened, and the Bush Administration ran rampant over the Constitution, bloating government to the biggest, baddest beast we’ve seen since the Nixonian Era, we all had to shut up. It wasn’t patriotic to speak against El Presidente. He’s the president, they said. We elected him. It wouldn’t be American to poo-poo on the POTUS parade.

And now, our current POTUS decides to brainwash our children with dangerous Socialist propaganda that tells them to stay in school and do their homework — just like Al Qaeda tells its children! (oh, no wait, it tells its kids to wear bombs under their beenies and blow up the bus stop) — and what happens?

The same people who said you couldn’t say boo to a sitting president are doing just that, and they’re not getting up in arms about anything radical, ohhh, no. They’re going to war over Obama telling children to be responsible.

Let’s just go over that, again.

Obama — the president, the guy we elected, the guy we trust to make critical decisions like whether or not to blow people up — wants to convey a message of personal responsibility to our children, highlighting the necessity of — no, not abortion! — education.

And the GOP call foul, claiming it’s “brainwashing.”

Fuck! Fuck! We’re fuckin’ fucked! That this is even a message is fucked! That this exists in the news is fucked! That no rational mainstream voices are giving this the stink-eye and stink-finger is totally, deeply, unerringly fucked!

And why is it fucked?

It’s fucked because we are surrounded by Hypocrites on one side, and Craven Curs on the other.

The Hypocrites, well, c’mon. Do I even need to talk about the GOP being a bag of assholes? They’re playing deep politics on this one, and prove day after day that they have zero interest in America’s health as a country, and 100-percent interest in the GOP being resurgent. The USA is wobbling on a broken wheel, and they don’t care. GOP? Play politics when we’re a healthy nation. Now is not the time for your reindeer games. But enough about them. We already know they’re dickhats.

For the moment, I’d like to talk about the Craven Curs.

I’d like to talk about the Democrats.

Did you see Bill Moyers on Bill Maher the other night?

Let’s hear what Bill Moyers — you should love the Bill Moyers, by the way — has to say:

Bill Moyers: “Too many Democrats have had their spines surgically removed.”

Applause! Amen! Scream it so the cheap seats can hear! And he continues:

“In the last few weeks, the right wing has been winning the debate. How [Obama] lost control of the narrative, I don’t understand. Well, yes, I do. He didn’t find the right metaphors, as you were just saying, and he didn’t speak in simple, powerful, moral language. He was speaking like a policy wonk to the world of Washington, not a country of people who are hurting. …

“Here’s the party that lost and the conservative movement that was discredited over the last eight years …. And they’re setting the agenda for a Democratic Party that controls the White House, the Senate and the House. Something’s wrong in that.”

He’s right. Something is wrong! Democrats: you won. You’re there in the front seat of the car. You all have to stop grabbing for the steering wheel. You’ll have your time in the driver’s seat — for now, be comfortable you’re not in the trunk like you were before. If you can’t settle down, we’re going to ask the GOP to drive again, because at least they drive with one hand on the wheel (though, of course, they usually choose to drive us into a wall, but never mind that).

That’s the strength of the GOP. Voters and politicians alike — when they set the course, they stay on it. They link arms and form a human wall. Doesn’t matter if it’s the right decision; it’s the decision they chose, and they’ll march forward as one.

The Democrats are basically a bunch of cooped-up cats. You let them out of the box, and what happens? Two start fucking. Another chases a bug. A third runs smack into the TV stand. A bunch start peeing. It’s a clusterfuck. It’s disorder.

I just… I just don’t understand.

So, this is my message to the Democratic Party:

Grow a pair.

Get on the TV. Get on the Innertubes. Come to my house, and punch me in the face.

When someone — say, the GOP, or their faux “grass roots” astroturf bullshit — starts spreading outright lies, what do you do?

Damage control! Immediately! ASAP! Use strong, forceful language to condemn the assholes for being assholes. “Hey,” you should say to America. “These guys are being assholes. You don’t want to listen to assholes, do you?”

When they say that encouraging personal responsibility in children is brainwashing, stand up for your message. Hell, make jokes about it. Points for sarcasm, because at least sarcasm comes from a place of confidence.

I just… I just don’t understand.

Democrats, for real — I’m teetering here. I’m ready to jump the fence again and go back to being Independent. But I won’t. Not yet. Because I’ve got a pair, and I’ve got a spine, and I’ll stick with the ticket for now.

But, I kinda need you to get on board.

Don’t make me bludgeon you with my testicles.

…

In other news, new contest over at the Storyverse. Win a free book! Go! Go! Go!