The other day, exploring some of the weirder sexual fetishes found on Ye Jolly Olde Intertoobs, I started to feel left out. As if so many others before me had taken on and championed sexual fetishes the world had never seen. That’s Viking-level shit. That’s marking the field of battle with an epic poem painted on a rock in your enemy’s blood. That’s legendary stuff. I want to be a part of that.

So, it’s time to make up some new sexual fetishes. Feel free to pass these around. Try them out. Swirl them around your mouth,  figuratively and literally — tell me how their juices taste.

And, better yet, feel free to toss your hat into the ring. Hit the comments, and tell me about Your Made-Up Sexual Fetish. Best one wins a prize. By which I mean, you get no prize.

Ready? Let us begin.

Cloud Fuckers

Also known as “Misties.” Yes, that’s right. People who want to hump clouds. One guy gets turgid at the cumulonimbus. Some chick gets all tickly when thinking about cirrus clouds drifting across her heaving, dewy bosoms. You probably get two varities: the posers, and the doers. The posers think it’s impossible, but they get hot and heavy about it anyway. It’s like the dragon porn people. Can’t have sex with a mythical lizard beast, so they fantasize about it on the Internet. Same way, here. They write slutty fictions about having three-ways with an altostratus and a nimbostratus, and somebody takes a steamy load of contrails to the face. But then you get your doers, the people who really take this seriously. They probably die doing it. Maybe they enrobe a small jet in a greasy coat of off-white rubber and fly in and out of clouds. Or maybe they just jump out of the plane, naked, deep into the yawning cavern of a sodden thunderhead. (Edit: This is not that original, as it turns out. Damn you, Internet!)

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors Fetishists

Don’t remember Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors? Neither does anybody else. Except me, and the made-up fetishists who get all hot-and-gooey thinking about this mid-80s cartoon where the heroes of the Lightning League battle the evil plant creatures of the Monster Minds. That’s sort of fucked up right there, the fact that the vegetables are the bad guys. Whatever. Point is, the Monster Minds dudes all look pretty much like dildos and blooming vaginas and bulging testicles anyway. Plus, there was something called a “magic root?” I dunno. I had the toys, and even back at age 10, I was like, “I think this brain guy looks a little like a scrotum.” It’s basically pre-teen tentacle porn. So, you can be sure that the kids who played with those toys now represent a small-but-persistent army of fetishistic adults. “I’m going to dress up as Herc Stormsailor. You be Dr. Zorg! I’ll violate your veiny brain with my Drill Vines! You nail me on the back with your Spray Gunner. This is hot. Let’s blog about it.”

Traffic Fiends

Guy listens to the local news station for the traffic report. He hears where the traffic hotspots are going to be. He heads out on his Moped, erection straining against too-tight khakis. But the traffic is too thick! He cannot penetrate it. He hides behind an exit sign and swoons. Trafficus Interruptus. He goes home and plays with Matchbox cars, but instead of racing them around the track, he simply shoves them bumper to bumper, and moans at the thoughts of sweet, sweet highway paralysis. … File this one under “inexplicable,” like car crash fetishists. You have to believe that this could exist. Somebody who finds the locked-up, restrained nature of a traffic jam tantalizing and titillating instead of maddening. “Holy shit, someone spilled chickens in Route 9. Nobody’s going anywhere! I have to get down there. Nnnnghhh. Muhhhh. So hot!”  (I’d like to clarify that he’s hot for the traffic jam, not the spilled chickens. A spilled chicken fetish is a whole different basket of eggs.)

French Foreign Legion Porn

The Nazis always get all the repressed sexual fetishism. They have the monopoly, and that’s just not fair. So, I posit that at least three people out there violate themselves to French Foreign Legion Porn. I mean, c’mon. They have big hats. Bulbous hats. Phallic hats. They’re out there in the desert. All those jangly bits. The sand-caked beards. The esprit de corps. Totally sextastic, right? … Hey, those three people think it’s hot. Okay, so maybe you’re not buying it. Hold on, I’m thinking, I’m thinking. What about Civil War porn? Don’t see much of that. Or the Polish People’s Army! Super-sexy! Mrowl!

People Who Masturbate With Pages Ripped From Stolen Library Books

… yeah, I kind of think that one says it all. Maybe they’d call themselves “Finers,” or “BSBTs, Boner-Sporting Biblio Thieves.” I think this one has traction. Let’s get on it. Let’s spread the word. In ten years, this’ll be totally normal. Of course, in ten years all our libraries will probably be Starbucks, so, maybe this one’s not so hot after all.